Jolly writes a poem


Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
12/06/2006 7:11 am
Hey guys, I just finished the first draft of a villanelle. This is a pretty hard form of poetry, so cut me some slack:

Must one confine himself to paper chains,
To stir no longer, silent in his speech?
The world will weary of these senseless strains.

A long and arduous walk down weary lanes,
Or so we’d call what ancient statues preach,
Must one confine himself to paper chains?

So slowly—silent—whisper our refrains,
Our voices stolen, breathing harsh and leached.
The world will weary of these senseless strains.

To carry on our backs our cold remains,
To bind the walk to bones we constant bleach,
Must one confine himself to paper chains?

And on, so bound, we walk, and meaning drains
Into a cup whose edges stay unbreached.
The world will weary of these senseless strains.

What depth or freedom loses, visage gains,
And order is a noble world to reach,
Must one confine himself to paper chains?
The world will weary of these senseless strains.

EDIT #1:
Must one walk fettered by these paper chains,
And stir no longer, silent in his speech?
The world will weary of such senseless strains.

A hushed and arduous hike down step-worn lanes,
Such is the quiet ancient statues preach.
Must one walk fettered by these paper chains?

So, slowly marching, whisper our refrains,
Our voices stolen, breathing harsh and leached.
The world will weary of such senseless strains.

To carry on our backs archaic remains,
To bind the walk to bones the years have bleached,
Must one walk fettered by these paper chains?

And on, so bound, we walk, and feeling drains
Into a numbing jar which can’t be breached.
The world will weary of such senseless strains.

What depth or freedom loses, visage gains,
And order is a noble goal to reach;
Must one walk fettered by these paper chains?
The world will weary of such senseless strains.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 1
acapella
Registered User
Joined: 12/08/05
Posts: 1,617
acapella
Registered User
Joined: 12/08/05
Posts: 1,617
12/06/2006 4:35 pm
An awesome job for such a difficult form. It can be pretty hard to come up with lots of rhyming words that get across a point properly, especially when you only have two sounds to work with. But you pulled it off nicely.
You go outside and practice screaming. We'll play music while you're gone.
# 2
jiujitsu_jesus
Registered User
Joined: 12/19/05
Posts: 2,171
jiujitsu_jesus
Registered User
Joined: 12/19/05
Posts: 2,171
12/07/2006 10:32 pm
It's the best villanelle I've ever read!
It's the ONLY villanelle I've ever read! :o

Seriously, I liked it a lot, man. Very atmospheric.
"It's all folk music... I ain't never heard no horse sing!"
- Attributed variously to Leadbelly and Louis Armstrong

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

l337iZmz r@wk o.K!!!??>
# 3
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
12/09/2006 8:30 pm
Originally Posted by: jiujitsu_jesusIt's the best villanelle I've ever read!
It's the ONLY villanelle I've ever read! :o

Seriously, I liked it a lot, man. Very atmospheric.

Glad you liked it!

It's not the only villanelle I've ever read, though, and unfortunately it's also not the best, hahaha!
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 4
z0s0_jp
Riffologist
Joined: 07/08/05
Posts: 1,584
z0s0_jp
Riffologist
Joined: 07/08/05
Posts: 1,584
12/09/2006 8:37 pm
one word. excellent(and i did not need my dictionary-which makes it even better in my opinion ;) )
"Dammit Jim!! I'm a guitarist not a roadie...so haul my gear"
# 5
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
12/09/2006 9:11 pm
Originally Posted by: z0s0_jpone word. excellent(and i did not need my dictionary-which makes it even better in my opinion ;) )

I posted an edit underneath the version you read. Do you like the new one better?

I do, haha.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 6

Please register with a free account to post on the forum.