So yeah. Around 11 last night, my grandpa died. turns out it was some trama then he had a heart attack. i havn't gotten to see him or anything. guess i wont untill the memorial service.

I really dont know... im so apathetic about everything like this. when my grandpa on my dad's side died, i was about 12. didn't even cry, or care. I dont know if it didnt hit me, i didn't understand it or whatever. I never saw that grandpa because he lived in Illinois, i only saw him like 5 times in my entire life. thats the excuse i had always thought to myself whenever i wondered why i didnt even care.

but this grandpa... this is from my mom's side- they've lived in pennsylvania for most of their married life. (all what... 50 something years?) and they were the ones we would see ALL the time. just this year, a couple months ago they actually moved down to a retirement community about 5 miles away. we saw them practically everyday.

so why am i still so apathetic about this? this is the grandpa i saw every birthday, every xmas, every thanksgiving... they go to my chuch since they moved down here so we saw them every sunday. i cant use the "never saw them" excuse.

some people are telling me that its just how i handle grief. i guess they're right. i barely got any sleep last night.

whatever. i just had to get this out somewhere. thanks for listening, guys.