A new one...

What does everyone think about this one? please let me know. It's an acoustic song with bongos for the drum track... It's about a guy that committed suicide... I didn't really know him but I went to highschool with him.

EDIT: I decided to add the link to the recorded version of this song on the original post... I changed some lyrics and what not... It's called "So Long" have a listen and let me know what you think of the final version... Thanks
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pag...m?bandID=621272

Trains finally moving,
and my stop is on the other side,
Shakedown, one more for goodluck,
A handshake that seems to break the ice,
Did I even listen? Did I even try?
All the people passing,
They all just to seem to walk on by,
Stuck in their own world like they don't care
Did they even try?

Oh, and did you want to be,
Something beautiful that we could see,
Did you want to fly?
And did you want to say,
Everything will be okay, you just have to try,
I didn't even listen,
I'll just say my goodbye,
So long,
Goodbye,

Oh, and did you need a bandage,
Maybe just for once someone to take your side,
Did you need an answer,
Or did you need an alibi,
Did you need the comfort,
a soft voice to whisper goodnight,
I didn't even listen,
I didn't even try,

Oh, and did you want to be,
Something beautiful that we could see,
Did you want to fly?
And did you want to say,
Everything will be okay, you just have to try,
I didn't even listen,
I'll just say my goodbye,
So long,
Goodbye,

Soooo long,
Goodbye,
Soooo long,
Goodbye

ummmmmmmmmmm..... cliche

Thanks for the input. I can't recall any popular (or not) songs about this particular topic......well, aside from "Waste" by Staind... but nonetheless thanks for letting me know what you thought about it.

I think you have a clear idea in your head, but you didn't take the time to fully develop. You need some clever lines in there. It is very cliche, but with if you put a little more effort into I'm sure it could turn into something. :)

I like it. I somewhat agree with Holly, but whether you change it or not, I still like it.

I massively redid this song awhile back and its been locked up in the vault for awhile..... Here's the recorded demo version I did of it... I changed the lyrics up a lot within it....

http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=621272

It's obviously titled "So Long"... feel free to listen to the other songs as well...

See the edited original post please!!