You've got the outline there but the lyrics are too simple and dont have enough depth in them, try to get the listener to "feel" part of the song, it's hard to explain but the more you try the better you will get at it, write loads of different lyrics when just starting out and ask different people which parts they like then incorporate all the best parts into the final draft, also keep to a single theme throughout the song.
But not bad at all for your first effort.
Good Luck, and keep trying :)
[Edited by Just_Me on 11-25-2002 at 01:23 PM]
We are not retreating, merely advancing in the opposite direction.