"There is just something about my selfcritisism and ''unsatisfaction'' that is ripping itself through all aspects of my life..."
Why ?? Things we hold on to can change, if we choose to. They can't be taken from us, but they are ours to change if we choose. Why are you serving this, letting it ripple through. It has a bigger base than just you’re playing. Its time to think about what else is driving this ripple.
"I REALLY hate myself for being so critic and stubborn."
Stubborn is an interesting thing to hold on to. It allows one to make things better or worse for a long time.