first runthrough:

I like it, but the first thing I notice is that he can't pluck his eyes up from the old oak unless they've been torn from his head somehow. Like you I enjoy experimenting with new choices of words, but some just don't work.

I think a lot of these sentences are a little rough. Crude in a way, but not without potential given time. "It was footsteps" for example, could simply be "Footsteps." Or, more poetically, something like "scuffleshadowed stepping." Here's another: "Montag's heart began to beat very loudly, and each thud was another of her screams." Don't use a conjunction here, it's weighing you down. "Each thud another of her screams" works just fine.

"Montag spoke, his voice a drywhisper of flaking parchment." might be a nicer intro to that last paragraph.