Interestingly, I really disliked this when I first read it - I found it was over-thought, images milked for every last drop, and too clever for it's own good. As a former student of literature, I owed it a second read so as to make whatever negative comment I was going to make as constructive as possible.

BLAM! I enjoyed it! Can't explain the turnaround, but hey....

I do think there's still some validity to my original reading - to put it in guitar terms, your technique is unquestionably good, but whether your use of it ends up detracting from the music - maybe you're the only one who can answer that. It's probably also dependant on audience.

Are you studying literature at the moment?