Actually, and I say this from the perspective of someone who has not only heard but played this song, the repeating line in the verses is what makes it cool. Really, if not for that, I would hate hearing this song. By the way, good idea changing that line. But I still think you should use the "fever explodes" part in a different song, because I was thinking about it, and that's a cool line. As for a title...how about..."The Black Hotel"? That or "The Gray Boat House". Or no, I know, "The Opaque Jug".

My favourite part is this:
"as the being apart takes a bite"

Kudos to you, Brendon. Kudos to you.