turned 22 in april, the last 3 months have had the most radical personal change ever in my life.. my girlfriend, the love of my life, dumped me which really shook me up
I realised that I've been a wreck for most of my life, suddenly in 3 months time it had become all clear to me
talked a lot with my parents, for the first time we ever became that intimate, heard stuff which explained a lot, it's scary hearing that as a kid, you were always drawing everything black.. and I'm actually a real cheerfull person inside
simply put, I've came to know almost every reason why I've been so depressed most of my life, I say 'almost' cause there will always be new things
experiencing such clarity, hitting you rock hard in your face, really changes you, I never want to be that person again that was afraid of life and everything life had to offer
now things almost couldn't be better, my study is going great, I'm thinking positive, found my ambition and enjoying life, though it came with a high prize.. I miss her everyday and it makes me real sad knowing that there's little chance I'll ever be with her again, cause she believes people can't change this fast, it would take years and she still sees me like the selfish/rude wreck I was in those last years together with her, she's very special and has a lot of needs, so as I expect she probably also has a boyfriend again to fill those needs.. we don't have contact anymore since 4 weeks, she doesn't want it, allthough the reasons are unknown to me, it's also too painfull for me
it's tough knowing that you can give so much, even more then she could ask for, without any effort and that things would be great, but that she's just too scared to try again and rather go the easy way, when she makes a choice.. it's forever :(
kind of a long post, hope I didn't bore you with it, it's just a serious issue to me, thinking about her makes me sad, actually the only thing that makes me sad nowadays, I cherish the memories but still... think most of you know exactly how it feels, even if everything is going incredibly well
so yeah, this year has been...interesting, but worth it, I've learned so much that, if I'm gonna post it this post will be tripled! one of the best things I say to myself everyday is: 'keep your eyes open and talk to people, keep an open mind to anything you come across, only then will you be able to learn and choose wise'
at last, a happy birthday to you Wildridge :)
Greetings from the Netherlands,
Roel
= good music is good drinking =
