Tell me your thoughts.
Title : When I'm Laid Away



Some things you don't want to hear
Others you don't want to say
But what I'm asking you today

---chorus----
When I'm Laid away, bury me in pine
If you're a friend of mine, bury me in pine
------------

Maybe you want to live forever
I wouldn't have it another way
But there's one thing, please don't take away

(Chorus)

I can feel the end now,
coming like the dawning of the day
But i've got just one wish to pray

(chorus)

We've been playing this tune (very slow tune) at gigs, and it has gotten a very "Two Thumbs Up" reaction from crowds.
We start the tune out fast (in the Key of C), and I solo for the intro for about 5 minutes or so, then we gradually bring it down, and about 7 minutes into it, thats when the actual lyrical part of the song starts (modulates to key of F, C's 4th); We go through the lyrics, me playing a solo after each chorus, then at the end, we crank it back to C for the fast part again, and we do vocal adlibbing over it for a few minutes, etc.

The ideals of the song are an expanding 'story' that myself and one of our lyricists are currently working on. Some of you may wonder why there isn't as much of a plot in the story, other than the character's death, and the character is left to the imagination; We are finalizing a "Story" (series of songs woven into one story, all connected in some way), and the character that is dying in this story is being developed right now, so the lyrics will be expanded a few verses, but the main subject line will be the same.

Tell me your throughts.

Well man, if you got a 2 thumbs up from the crowd. My thought is you did something right. I think I can add something to the whole story line with songs thing your doing cause Ive been doing that for some time. First, is this the first song in the series?? The 7 minute intro says it is, but the lyrics sound more like a middle song. If you push them together and this is the middle song, then a 7 minute interlude could get to be very stagnant. I'd say shorten it if it is, and save the 7 minute solos for either the ending or beginning. I'd say ending to the effect of climax. My opinion, although I haven't heard the song.

Another thing with the lyrics is I can't see a plot, or any reason for this to be a seperate song, sound like part of a song. I know you said that's what your going for, but here's another thought. When writting songs thats make up a bigger story, you generally want each song in that series to tell a story on it's own. After all it's a story. Think of a miniseries or a movie that has three parts, the most popular now Lord of the Rings. Probably the best (cause its the best to explain this) and worst (everybody has done it) example. Notice how each of the 3 parts of the movie has it's own story, plot, and that story does get finished but it ends in a way that makes you want to see the next part. Try thinking of the series in that manner, break each of the songs into a story of it's own but it's really part of a bigger story. This will be good if your record the series and someone wants to just listen to one song. It won't be "he fought the bad guys but they got away", end of song. Each song should be a balance of fulfillment and quessing what happens next. A tough task.

This may be what your doing or maybe your going for something different. Either way checking out some movies will help spark some ideas on how to layout the series. Writting songs this these takes alot of planning and preperation to be done successfully. It's definitely not easy. Best of Luck.

__________________
"My whole life is a dark room...ONE BIG DARK ROOM" - a.f.i.

It's a middle song, more of a 3/4 song (in how far it is in the series, not in time signature), and it gets good reactions because it climaxes twice in the song (once in the beginning, and it builds at the end to a 2nd one), and overall, the music I wrote for it is very good.

I sing this one, and I've had some conflicts with it because it isn't as personal as it could be. Our "main" songwriter writes in the style of Bob Dylan, and next weekend we're going to develop the song more. Our lyricist wrote the lyrics, i wrote the music, but i've written a few extra verses, because I don't think the first verse in the song should be what it is...So i started writing some more lyrics of my own.


You know, my days of youth
They've all passed me by
like a cloud up in the sky

something like that, and i'd add a different chorus for the beginning.

Kool. When you write the climax part do start with writting the climax part then write the pre-buildup to the climax after? Or do you just go with the flow and write up the climax part?



I know I'm the kind of person who doesn't like when someone else plays or sings something I wrote. Your friend probably isn't like that, I'm just a dick. hehe Anyways you should probably come to a compromise with your friend since your singing and he wrote it. You should write something like he wrote but in a way thats easy and natural for you to sing it. The best way I think is to write the songs your going to sing, and vice versa. And save the others for another song that you'll write next. May or may not work for you.



Cool. Although try shortening the phrase, you don't need three lines to express that one meaning. Alot of useless words that could be traded with more powerful ones. Like "my days of youth passed by like clouds in the sky". Now you have more room for more powerful and emotional descriptive words like "my dark days or my happier days", and "like a storm cloud or rainy cloud". However you want to express the phrase. Think of it as painting a picture with words, you want to listener to see what you mean instead of telling them. Leave room for interpetation too.

[Edited by noticingthemistake on 07-02-2003 at 12:26 PM]

__________________
"My whole life is a dark room...ONE BIG DARK ROOM" - a.f.i.

I can tell that you are a seasoned veteran at Songwriting.

I'm working on some more verses, thanks for your help, man!

Yeah and don't over-colorate your lyrics. Too much and the lyrics will sound cheesy. Especially if the song isn't an artistic song. There are many ways a song could be said in, some tips apply to some and some not. A good thing to do is check out your favorite songwritters and read there lyrics. You probably knew that but it's a point in the right direction.

I dunno if I was clear on what words to take out and why. The phrase "my days of youth They've all passed me by". Stay away from restating perspective in one verse like, "my days" and then the next line, "they've all".

Something that is useless is something that is obvious like, "a cloud up in the sky". Of course it's up in the sky. haha Leave it out or if your in need of words to fill the vocal. Use impressionistic words like "a cloud marching accrost the sky".

I like the chorus.

__________________
"My whole life is a dark room...ONE BIG DARK ROOM" - a.f.i.

Its funny you say that, because thats the only part of the lyrics that i wrote, of the ones that I showed you.

The original one, which our lyricist wrote, went like this

"When I'm Laid Away, Bury me in pine
God's golden cradle, bury me in pine"

I thought "well...It's nice, but It doesn't hit home, as far as who the person is talking to. when i changed it to

"When I'm Laid Away, Bury me in pine
If you're a friend of mine, bury me in pine"

It made it sound more like the dying man was talking to someone, and this was his way of asking "Are you a friend, or not?". Another way of interpreting it is, if the song's lyrics were a journal, and somebody found them. And when he wrote "If you're a friend of mine, you'll bury me in pine", it could mean that if you know him, do the right thing.

I'm starting to understand the philosophy; I like Bob Dylan's lyrics a whole lot, I like how he can speak eloquently, and speak like a begger at the same time...You could say thats where I want to go in songwriting, but its harder. I'll get there, though.

[Edited by Incidents Happen on 07-04-2003 at 07:22 PM]