courtesy of Iron Maiden's Nicko McBrian
up next, bassist jokes (sorry Rask)
What do you say to the Drummer who knocks on ya door?
How much for the Pizza???
Did you here about the Bass player that locked himself in his car?
The Drummer had to break the window to let him out.
A Drummer went to buy a new car, he only had two hundred quid so he goes to see a pal that was into selling second hand junkers.
"Hi Mac," he says. "What have you got that's real cool for two hundred quid?"
"Well," says his mate "I've got a beauty out back a real bargain. It's an old Jag, beautiful condition..."
"What's the catch?" says the Drummer
"No catch at all," says Mac
"Oh there is just one little thing missing though," says Mac
"What's that then?" asked the Drummer
"It ain't got any doors," says Mac
"That's no good is it," says the Drummer, "How the heck am I going to get in?"
A guy walks into a shop and asks the guy behind the counter for a packet of condoms.
The guy behind the counter asks the man "Are you by any chance a Drummer?"
Well, I'll be, thought the man. "Yes, I am," he replied.
"I thought as much," replied the guy behind the counter.
"How that then?" replied the Man.
"Because this is a Butchers stupid!"
From Mattias Ekman...
What do they call a guy that's hanging out with musicians?
What do Ginger Baker and canteen coffee have in common?
They both suck without Cream.
How do you know there's a drummer knocking on your door?
The knocking speeds up.
From Leszak Mugerman...
Two drummers meet while walking down the street.
One of them asks, " What you got in that bag?"
The other one replies: "Chickens"
"Can I have one?" asks the first drummer.
The second drummer replies, "If you can guess how many chickens are in this bag, then I'll give you both of them."
From John Kotzian...
How do you get 2 drummers to play in time?
Think you can do better?
Then send your gags to:
In the Year 2050, there will be shops in which you can buy brains. So this guy walks into one of these shops and asks for a special brain.
The clerk turns around, takes a jar with a brain in it and says, "So here we have the brain of a teacher."
The man wants to know how much it is.
"20,000 Dollars" answers the clerk.
"Hm...",says the man, "are there any other special brains in here?"
The clerk turns around and looks at the shelf for five minutes, then he take another jar. He declares," So here we have a philosopher“s brain"
"And how much is this one ?"
"40,000 Dollars". The man thinks about it and finally says that the two brains standing before him are too normal - he wants a very, very, very special brain.
So the clerk goes to look for the demanded one and after half an hour, he comes back, with a jar, very dirty, but you can still see a very small-sized brain in it. "This one is a Drummer“s brain", says the clerk, "but it“s 150,000 Dollars".
The man asks:"How come?"
"Just think, how many drummers have to die before we get a real brain..."
From Eric Sproul...
What's the difference between a drummer and a foot massage?
A foot massage bucks up the feet, whereas a drummer...
From Henrik Sandnes...
How do you know when the drumriser is properly levelled?
The drummer is drooling evenly from both sides of the mouth!!
From Dylan Archilla...
How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
5- One to screw it in and 4 to discuss how much better Neil Peart could do it.
From Matt Evans...
What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
From Kolt Green...
Did you hear about the drummer who walked passed the bar?
...Well it could happen!
From Felipe Sampaio...
How many drummers are necessary to screw a lightbulb?
Ten drummers, one to hold the lamp with his hands and nine to turn the room.
From Nacho Palomo...
Some people are doing a test to determine peoples' Intelligence Coefficient, and when they finish it they meet at a convention...
A scientist asks a man, "What's your job?"
" I“m a maths teacher."
"What IC have you got?"
They start talking about Mathematics when another man joins the group:
" What's your job?"
" I'm an engineer."
" Nice. What's your CI?"
Then they begin talking about electronics, and people continue to join the group until a curious man appears.
They ask him, "What's your IC? "
"Oh! Well!, and, err...what sticks do you use?"
From Christopher McGinnis...
Why is a drum machine better than a drummer?
Because it can keep a steady beat and won't sleep with your girlfriend.
What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."
An amateur drummer dies and goes to Heaven. While he is waiting outside the pearly gates, he hears some incredibly fast drumming coming from within Heaven. He immediately recognizes the playing, and asks St. Peter if that really is Buddy Rich playing drums in heaven. St. Peter responds: "No, that's God. He just thinks that he's Buddy Rich."
From Rodolfo Pretto...
How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Twenty. One to hold the lamp and nineteen to drink beer until that the room begins to rotate.
From Sir AkellA Villalobos...
A drummer is fishing by the lake and catches the golden fish.
"Please, drummer! Throw me back!" says the fish, so the drummer puts her back in the water.
The fish disappears then swims back to the drummer. "And what about the wish?" she asks.
"Okay. What'll it be?"
From Maciej Flakowicz...
There were three people - an intelligent drummie, a stupid drummie and a gnome sitting in a room in front of a table and on the table was a fried chicken. Suddenly the light went off in the room, and when it turned on again, someone had eaten up the chicken. Who was it?
Well, it must have been the stupid drummie, because intelligent drummies and gnomes don't exist!
From Johan Kustonen...
If a drummer and a squirrel are sitting in a cab, what's the difference?
The squirrel's going on a gig.
What's in common with an awful drum-fill and a tornado?
You know they're coming but there ain't a thing you can do.
How do you drive a drummer insane?
Lock him up in a round room and tell him there's pizza in the corner.
If you see a bleeding drummer running around in your back yard, what do you do?
Stop laughing and shoot again.
How do you know your restroom has a straight floor?
A drummer has peed on both sides of the toiletseat.
From K. Otto Phillips...
Two drummers walk into a building. You figure at least one of them would have seen it.
Why did the drummer climb over the barbed wire fence?
To see what was on the other side.
The band was pissed off coz the producer would always take off early on Fridays for lunch and not return till Monday.
After several weeks of this, the band decided that if the producer was going to take off early, so would they.
Sure enough, that Friday the producer dissapeared, so the band decided to take off.
The Singer went to a movie, the Bassist went to a nudie bar, the Guitarists went to a medievall joust and the Drummer decided just to go home. When the Drummer got home, he found his wife in bed with the producer. The Drummer was mortified and shocked and walked around town moping.
The next Friday, the same thing happened with the producer leaving early. "Well Mate," said the Singer, "shall we take off early again?" "You guys go ahead," said the Drummer, "I almost got caught last week."
A very worried bass player is strolling along a beach in California. He steps on something hard, and picks it up. It's a lamp. He rubs it, and a genie pops out.
"I am the genie of the lamp and I grant you one wish".
"I think", the bass player says, "that I'd like to go to Hawaii one day. But I get airsick and seasick. I'd like you to build a bridge so I could drive over."
The genie thinks this over, and gently explains that it would be almost impossible, with labour costs what they are and the sea as deep as it is.
"In that case, how about this. Our drummer never writes any songs. I'd like you to make him write a song."
The genie ponders for a bit, then asks, "This bridge....you want it two-lane or four-lane?"
From Evil Ernie...
What's the difference between a drummer and a battery ?
A battery has got a plus-side...
From Josh Mel...
How do you get a drummer to complain?
Get him a gig.
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into a drum machine once.
What has four sticks and half a brain?
What do you call a person who hangs out with musicians?
From Sakari Kekola
What's 10,000 drowned drummers?
A good start
From Stuart Lovell
80,000 drummers meet in London for a "Drummers Are Not Stupid Convention".
The compere says "We are all here today to prove to the world that drummers are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?".
One drummer steps up, the compere says to him "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds he says "Eighteen."
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 drummers start cheering "Give him another chance, give him another chance."
The compere says "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you here and the world wide press is present, I guess we can give Nicko another chance." So he says "What is 5 plus 5?".
After nearly 30 seconds Nicko eventually says "Ninety?"
The compere sighs - everyone is crestfallen and the drummer starts crying and 80,000 other drummers start yelling "Give him another chance, give him another chance".
The compere, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says "Ok! One more chance. What is 2 plus 2?"
Nicko closes his eyes and after a whole minute eventually says "Four".
Around the stadium 80,000 drummers start yelling, "Give him another chance, give him another chance!"
From Johan Kustonen
A scientist did some research in the field of animal behaviour, and decided to run a test with dogs. His research showed that after a certain period of time, the dogs started to assume certain habits from their masters. Thus he filled a room with bones, and examined how different dogs reacted to the sight. First he let an architecht's dog examine the pile of bones. The dog constructed a fine model of a city out of the bones, complete with streets and parks. The scientist was intrigued, and made notes out of the whole process. He reassembled the bones in a huge pile, and let a mathematician's dog loose. After sniffing at the bones the dog split the pile in two identical piles, then split those two piles, and so forth until the room was filled with 64 identical piles, all in a symmetrical order. The scientist was overjoyed, and again scribbled some notes out of the experiment, and reassembled the bones in a single pile. Then he let a drummer's dog examine the bones... Or would have, but the dog came a couple of hours late, ate all the bones, ****ed the two other dogs, and took the rest of the day off.
A drummer was walking in a field, and noticed a shephard and his flock of sheep. He remembers his childhood dream about having a pet sheep, and so he walks to the shephard and asks him:
"Will you give me a sheep, If I guess how many sheep there are in your flock?"
"A bit strange request, but why not."
"I'd say you've got 287 sheep."
To the shephards amazement the bassist hit the mark, and so he lets the drummer choose any sheep he likes. Soon after the drummer has taken his pick, the shephard gets an idea.
"Do you give me back my sheep if I can guess your profession?"
"Well... OK! Sounds fair."
"I'd say you're a drummer."
"How the hell did you know that?"
"Put the dog down and we'll talk about it..."
From Antonio Lomo-Osario
How do you know a drummer has discovered how to use a computer?
Because the screen is stained with liquid paper...
How did the drummer use a whole bottle of shampoo in one hairwashing?
Well, it said "Lather, rinse, repeat..."
From John Rogove
Why do drummers hate eating M&Ms?
Because they're so damned hard to peel!
A drummer and his friend meet on opposite sides of the fence. The friend asks, "How do you get to the other side?"
"Duh," the drummer says, "you are on the other side."
From John Croyle
How do you tune your Bass when a drummers in the room?
Make him sit on his hands
From Shadow Slayer
There was this drummer in music class who really liked to play jokes on people, particularily the pianist. One day, after a very crude joke, the pianist got really pissed off and decided to get back at the drummer.So the next day, he came to class very early and hid one of the drummer's drum sticks. When the drummer got to class, he noticed that he only had one drum stick and started celebrating and laughing like a maniac.
The painist then asked, "What's so funny?" to which the drummer replied, "I've been promoted to conductor!"
Generally speaking, how late does a band play?
About two beats behind the drummer
From Andrew Fitzhugh
How many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but the roadie has to set up the ladders, unscrew the old one and have the new in place ready for the drummer.
Man went to school to learn how to play bass. At first lesson they learned to play "domp" "domp" domp". At second lesson they learned "domp" "domp" "dompdi" "domp". Couple of weeks later the man didn't show up for a third lesson, the teacher called him and asked for reason. "I've been too busy with touring" -answered the man.
- Why doesn“t drummies waterskate?
- `Cause thy can`t find any slopes!
What do you do when you come across a drummer who is burried up to his neck in cement?
Get more cement!
Our dear drummer friend was considering the fact that he might not be able to find a woman that would go to bed with him without having to splash out with £50 up front, let alone finding someone who would like to carry his child so he got an idea to go to the sperm bank to donate some for research purposes and if it could be possible to make a drummer clone.
So of he went and filled in the forms and reference papers (references are needed to see what kind of lifestyle the subject has) and he gladly put down some of his best friends as references, the band. The band will give him all the credit he needs.
After a couple of weeks he was called back to the sperm bank and as he came into the office the lady behind the counter said, "Congratulations , after interviewing your references you've been approved as a donator, but it seems that you will need some assistance in retreiving the sperm"
Looking puzzled, Mr 'I don't need a metronome' asked, "What do you mean?"
Upon which the lady answered, "Well according to all the persons in your reference list, you're a useless wanker!"
From Michiel Barten
A drummer was broke. In order to raise some money, he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." He then wrote a note saying,"I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A drummer".
The drummer then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the drummer checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The drummer opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow drummer?"
A drummer's house was on fire. He called 911 and said, 'my house is on fire.' The man on the phone said, 'Well can you tell me how we get there.' The drummer said, 'Duhhh... in the big red trucks!'
- How do you keep a drummer busy?
- You make him separate the M`s from the W`s in a pack of M&M`s.
Q: What did the drummer get on his school exams?
How do you know It's a drummer that's faxing you?
There'll be a stamp on the upper right corner
To improve technique and of course trying to keep all as clean as possible. I know my own limits and speed limits and so on I never play anything I'm not capable of. That wouldn't make any sense. After three years of playing I tried to play everything as fast as possible and that sounded, I would say, like ****, and I didn't realize that if I'd play bit slower things than I was capable of playing then everything would sound much better.
--Aleksi Laiho - Advice to Play By