Signifigant Others

[PonyOne]

Just curious as to how everyone's signifigant others (i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mistress, etc) react to your guitar playing/enthusiasm. My fiance seems to loathe the fact that I play guitar, and can't understand why it is that I am not satisfied with two electrics (one of which works), an acoustic and a 15-watt amp. She's one of those people who keeps the penny-pinching-Jew stereotype alive and kicking; unless it's clothing or shoes (for her) she resists spending more than one dollar on a non-food item of any sort, and when I got my first guitar, she cried, when I got my amp, she cried, when I got my twelve string, she didn't cry, she just didn't talk to me for six hours.
According to her she's afraid that I'm going to become famous and stop caring about her (believe me, aside from my lack of good equipment my band really does have a good stab at fame), and it's probably true. Also, though, I'm the first guy she's dated who wasn't a submissive geek (aside from this whole money thing), and I have a feeling that if I acted and dressed the way she wanted (hair and beard down to my waist, with skin-tight slacks and polo shirts, with either skinny as all hell or just plain fat, as opposed to how I am, which is no facial hair, average length hair, Levi's and military-issue cargo pants with t-shirts, and a heavy build) she'd probably lighten up, but there's not a chance in hell that will happen. I also think part of it is that the types of music she listens to are Klezmer, obnoxious jazz played by guys with names like Black Daddy Smack, and anything tribal or Melissa Etheridge/Natalie Merchant-style cry music. The only thing she likes that touches on rock is Semisonic.
I've already comprimised too much; if it weren't for her domineering, I'd probably already have a demo out in circualtion, plus three more guitars, a few amps and more electronics as well (I don't even have a good stereo). Does anybody have any advice on how to attempt to break her out of this cycle without destroying our relationship? Aside from this crap everything's great, it's just that she seems to feel that she should have a monopoly over our spending.
Just when you find that Jewish/Italian/Israeli 36E-28-38 brown hair/brown eyes girl of your dreams, decide to settle down, she decides to thwart every attempt at material happiness you make. She took all the money I'd saved up to buy a Triumph and spent it on housewares, herself, and her mom and sister, and now I've got $900 in my account just begging to be used to buy SOMETHING musical.
I quit school and started working for the primary purpose of lifting myself out of the gutter and giving myself a chance at a musical career, and all money ends up going toward middle eastern and French food, bras, and dresses. And now as a final insult, she informs me that she doesn't want to buy a Triumph, and if I get it she won't ride in it, no, she has this thing for overly-economical, uncomfortable things, like her mom, and she wants to get a Subaru wagon just like her mom's. The only ground I've gained in this situation is that I have completely torched her dreams of moving to Maine and having a log cabin in the mountains and have instead replaced them with us living in Los Angeles in an ampartment.

So again, any advice that doesn't involve dumping that could help me out? Have any of you experienced this bullsht? Make her realize some things are alternative and stay alternative for good reasons? Sorry I rambled, I know this isn't a dating advice forum... I just am really tired of this.

[AtomicMassUnit]

Man, don't deal with someone who's going to limit you like that. My girl loves and understands my music and doesn't complain no matter how much time or money i spend on it. Let your girl understand that kind of passion you have for music. You sound like you're very serious. A friend of mine is a stellar country guitarist and has played with several 'stars' like Alison Krause and Garth Brooks. His first wife broke all of his original vinyl albums and made him put down his guitar. She was killed in a car accident. When he got back into playing, that shot at being famous was basically gone. Be careful of that sort of thing.
I'm really happy to have such a supportive and beautiful girl, they're out there for sure. Something about that brown hair and eyes man.

Atomic

[Raskolnikov]

Well, if you both really love eachother, then their's room for compromise. Their of course has to be compromise, but it has to work pretty much 50/50. If one person gives and gives and gives, then that's going to lead to trouble. My girlfriend has told my on many occaisions that she's jelous of my basses/guitars, but she also understands that I'de cut out my own kidneys and liver before I gave music up, and so she doesn't get after me when I walk in with a new instrument and I don't bother her about the hoards of beads she spills into my stuff (she makes bead necklaces and things).

So my point is that you (as I'm sure you know) have to find some sort of balance, 'cause it can't go all your way and it can't go all hers. As for equipment, if the bills are getting payed I don't see how she has much to talk about.

In a similar story (or so it seems to me anyway), a guy who I know who's certainly one of the best guitarists in the north east (I'm talking SRV style, but he still has a very unique voice on guitar) who has had a shot at the big time. He turned it down because he likes his job and he loves his wife and 3 kids. Basicly, as long as he can play out on the weekends, he's happy.

Sounds to me like you're a young couple though so if your band takes off... well, that's what tour busses are for! Tell her that you'll take her to see the rear exits/ loading docks/ dressing rooms of every large venue in America. It'll be grand... really.

On the other hand- being in the back woods isn't all bad- no one bitches about the volume that you practice at, and no one complains about the 30' wall of flame you and your friends call a "bon fire."

[James]

I dunno man, sounds like you have something serious going on with this girl, otherwise you wouldn't put up with this barrier to your music. I agree with AtomicMass, if she doesn't yet understand your passion, you have to show her it. But it seems like she is dealing with issues of her own (fear of abandonment) and possibly should see some help about that. Or maybe you two should see a couple's therapist. No shame in that at all.

I'm lucky that my girlfriend respects and admires my love of music and the guitar. I wouldn't say at all that she is jealous of the attention I give my guitars. Then again we're not THAT serious and it's not assumed that we need to spend all our waking time together, so I have plenty of time to feed my musical passion without making her feel second.

[Elmo45]

Awhile back my ex said "It's your Guitar or me!"
Now I have Seven Guitars!!

Any of you have any Understanding Sisters, send 'em my way!
he he :D

[LEEtheV]

*LOSE her like a bad habit !!!! She's OBVIOUSLY insecure and will ONLY hold you back !!! DITCH HER NOW !!! THROW HER STUFF RIGHT OUT THE FRONT DOOR !!!! GET A NEW GIRL TOMORROW !!!! NO BRAINER, DUDE !!!!! (My g/friend KNOWS that music is part of the deal).....BOTTOM LINE: SHE goes before the music does....BTW, She LOVES my songs and supports me EVERY step of the way :):)....You deserve a girl like that !!! (Also, she has BIG hooters and a NICE ass :D:D )

[Elmo45]

Please say she has a sister!!
he he
Lucky Dog!

[Joseph]

Originally posted by PonyOne
Just curious as to how everyone's signifigant others (i.e. girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, mistress, etc) react to your guitar playing/enthusiasm.

She shouls realize that happiness is not only experiencedwhen you're together, but when you're apart as well, amd she should respect your interests. You can't scream at her all day, or hide her Natalie Merchant cds, all you can do is be honest, explain to her how you don't wan't to be walking on broken glass for the rest of your life. My previous girlfriend, she didn't actually appreciate the same type of music that I liked, but still we got along for the most part. The reason things lasted so long is that we were both willing to try and understand each other from different angles, (and our honesty played a big part in our relationship. She couldn't understand half the time why I would spend so much time perfecting my guitar technique, but we respected each other and were willing to accept each others qualities over all. You shouldn't have to constantly reassure your girlfriend that you're not going overboard, (but sometimes thats the way girls are) anything that take you away from their attention for a minute is considered detrimental, (heh but i doubt its that bad.) Overall, she should know you well enough to know what your intentions are, but sometimes they have intentions of their own as well. All you can really do is be honest with her, and explain to her that theres nothing to worry about, if you both love each other, then its worth finding a common ground.

-Joseph, :).

[Bardsley]

Umm, are you sure she is the one for you? I mean I don't want to say anything bad here but it seems like you could be heading down two bad roads which you have to avoid. The first is that you decide that you want to stay together, but instead of talking it over you just continue to play guitar and follow your star, and she gets sick of it all and leaves you. The other bad possibility is that you decide that she is so important to you that you decide to give up following the path of musical fame. Initially, it might seem fine, but you I am sure would have that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the one that says you haven't made anything of yourself, and teh relationship will break down anyway. Music in some people is too important to just give up. She must come to understand that music is part of you, and that if she loves you she has to take the whole package, you and your music are minseperable.
Compromises do need to be made. Maybe you should sit and talk about how to plan your investments (music gear sounds so much less self indulgent if it is called an investment), maybe by putting some of your money regularly away for your gear, and work out ways of saving money in other ways to accomodate for your music. I probably don't have much to contribute here, and forgive me if I sound like a wanker, but this is what I felt I should say.

[Joseph]

Its safe to say that everyone wan'ts the perfect girlfriend, the one who is going to hang on our every word and whos willing to compromise at all costs. But we are all human, and we all have these indescribable emotions, and for woman believe me everything is more complicated. Evetyone has their own vision of life, and what the perfect partner should be and how she should re-act to everything in your life that you find enjoyable and simple. But in almost every situation, one of those involved in a serious relaionship always tends to complicate things, sometimes its lack of concentration, mere frustration, or someone whos basically looking for a way out. Communication is the key to success, and theres an answer to every problem, some of us just have a time in coming that realization. Sit down and talk to her, be open and honest, and hopefully the rest will take of itself. But its not worth it to enbd what seems like a strong relationship based on difference of opinion, (or different philosophies all together.) It can either make you or brake you, but in the long run it can only make you stronger.

-Joseph, :).

[Raskolnikov]

Where's Kimi when you need her?
Kiiiiiiiimmeeeeeeeeeee!
KIMI!

Also, on a side note, does your fiance understand the concept of tone? That may help out in the gear situation. Then again, I haven't been able to explain it to my grandmother in 7 years...

[BadHorsie]

Explaining tone to some of the people in Southern Cali is an interesting feat as well. Almost 90% of the people I know think Blink 182 is the greatest band ever. Having said that it's pretty obvious that they'd never understand the point of having any type of rack unit or trying to find that guitar w/ endless sustain. Back to the original question, though. I've only had two girlfriends that have even understood how I am with my music. But you gotta ask yourself, "Is this girl worth dumping just because she disagrees w/ you about this,". Just lay down the ground rules and tell her how it's gonna be and if she has a problem then she'll have to deal with it. If she really likes you, she'll stay.

[LEEtheV]

*ditchthebitchanddatesluts :D

[BadHorsie]

I never give advice that I wouldn't follow myself. I'm not so sure your girl would be happy to hear you say that.

[Raskolnikov]

I have to agree with BadHorsie here; I'm sure we've all experienced how a good personal life interferes with a good music life. It's something where we all need to figure out just what we need from both and how to make it all fit together. So what to do?

Well, you know yourself, your girl, the situation, and your ambitions better than any of the people comprising this motley collection of gomers, ingrates, and degenerates. I know their's room for Music and her; if she really loves you, she'll make room, but if you really love her, you'll have to make room for her to. The give and take has to go both was or one or both of you will end up bitter.

So do what you think is right.

[Lordathestrings]

You've got three options here, and they're all gonna couse you some pain.

1) You try to keep your current girlfriend, and keep on with your music. I've been there, done that; the odds are against you, because the basic conflict never goes away, and everyone suffers!

2) You drop your music, and find something else to occupy your time. This option pleases your lady, initially, but it doesn't work because your creativity is not something you can just walk away from... and any art form you express yourself with, is gonna take some of your attention away from your girlfriend, and that's where the conflict came from in the first place, right? Unless you have a very strong need to serve someone, you will soon come to resent the demands placed on you by her insecurity, and you will hate her for it.

3) You drop your girlfriend, and continue to work with your music, while looking for a more compatible mate. If you're a romantic slob, you're likely to waste a lot of time pining away with thoughts of what might have been. Sooner or later, you'll come to the realization that the past is an OK place to visit, but a foolish place to try to live.

All of the above options involve some hurtin'. From my detached point of view, the third choice is the only healthy one.

You are who you are, and even if your guitar fever cools down to the point that you no longer see yourself making a living with your music, you still gotta play!

You seem to be feeling a heavy sense of obligation toward this woman, but I don't think either of you should feel obliged to make each other suffer for the sake of someone's social expectations. Part on good terms, if you can, but get out, now!!!

[LEEtheV]

*The most vulnerable time for a young man is 18 to 30 yrs. old....He's chasin' pussy around and either one gets her hooks into him or he knocks one up....EITHER WAY, GAME OVER for the musician.....DO NOT tell a girl that you love her until you are at LEAST 30 yrs. old !!! YOU will have a MUCH better picture of what you REALLY want out of life and where your music is going !!!!! TRUST ME ON THIS !!!!!!! The V just turned 40 and has never been married, NO KIDS !!!!! I have a GREAT g/friend, but have no alimony payments or little rugrats that need braces or are breaking into the local liquor store !!!! LIFE IZ GREAT !!!! DO WHAT YOU WANT FIRST IN MUSIC !!!!! DON'T make the SAME mistake that SOOOOOOO many others do !!!!! You'll have PLENTY of chances to get laid and change pussy nightly (if you're into that)......KEEP PRACTICING, WRITE SONGS AND DON'T SLOW DOWN FOR NO SPLIT-TAIL !!!!!! THE V HAS SPOKEN !!!!!! :)

[Joseph]

You know what it all comes down to is that you wan't a simple answer to your rather complex problem (or so it seems.) Anyone who ever said being in a good relationship was easy has obviously never been in one, the female is always very opinionated (and sometimes its not about power.) Sometimes its about undserstanding things from her point of view, but when it comes to the point where understanding isn't enough where she wan'ts you to think and act like her in every way, and change your lifestyle as a result, thats when you know that shes not the one for you. But only you can make this decision for yourself, as to whether or not her intentions are straight from the heart, or from her fixated idea of how things are supposed to go. Music is very personal, and when you can't share your music and your emotions with your partner in life, things can get really difficult. But its sometimes worth dealing with.

Your problem ashould be made any easier from an outsiders point of view, no one knows this girl like you do, or her type or whatever.

-Joseph, :).

[Elmo45]

I took your Number 3 option! It was tough, but it was the best thing I did. Now I'm catching up on two years of practicing and playing.
Plus I have more cash to invest in Guitar Stuff! :)

[Steveman112]

That is what I need.I just dont undersand women.I get told all the time that I am so good looking thati should be a model...with that in mind it shouldnt be that hard to get a good girl...what is it as soon as I show that I want to go out with somebody I get realy ugly or something.
For the most part I will be realy picky about the women I
try to go out with...not as much as they look ...but I judge
on how they act...I found ...FINALY...a girl that I like every thing about her but what is the problem...SHE LIKES ME AND I LIKE HER BUT WHEN I ASK HER OUT SHE JUST SAYS I DONT KNOW...I have been doing this for 5 mounths now that is a little bit sad but she is 1 in 5,000,000,000,000 you know I dont think I can find a another Sighnifigant Other.
Reading some of your post made me think...And I in a heartbeat would give up Guitar playing in a sec. for her.
You know people should know that fittaling your twanger is not as fun as CHERRY PIE.Women do come and go and your guitar may always be there for you ...but women only come and go cuz men are assholes.
Peace Out
Steveman112

[LEEtheV]

Originally posted by Steveman112
/// That is what I need.I just dont undersand women.
*Thatz because you are looking at them as women instead of a regular person. THEY ARE PEOPLE !!!*
///I get told all the time that I am so good looking thati should be a model...
*I think I'm gonna barf....(Just kidding, BUT VAIN ? JEESH !!! :D:D )*
///with that in mind it shouldnt be that hard to get a good girl...
*Your NOT getting a "good" girl....You're getting a friend who just happens to like the same things that you do...And puts out the pussy :D*
///what is it as soon as I show that I want to go out with somebody I get realy ugly or something.
*Because you don't have the "Kool, Kool" yet.....Stop trying to show off and impress and let her see how NEATO you are for herself and she'll come running....(Man O' man, I feel like I should be charging for this advice....)*
///For the most part I will be realy picky about the women I
try to go out with...not as much as they look ...but I judge
on how they act
*You're doing the right thing, but don't be tooooo hard to get.....The BEST girl you'll ever had could be right under your nose the whole time and she's shy and you haven't figured it out yet... :)....THESE THINGS TAKE TIME !!! (Or you could just screw a bunch of slutz :D ...Thatz fun TOOO :):):) )*
///...I found ...FINALY...a girl that I like every thing about her but what is the problem...SHE LIKES ME AND I LIKE HER BUT WHEN I ASK HER OUT SHE JUST SAYS I DONT KNOW...
*Tee-hee....AHHHHH, those were the days....It's a game, dude....Play along and see what happens....*
///I have been doing this for 5 mounths now that is a little bit sad but she is 1 in 5,000,000,000,000 you know I dont think I can find a another Sighnifigant Other.
*BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....(I don't mean to laff, bro....But HOW old are you? ).....You got LOTZA time and life to live :)...Unless you've already traveled the ENTIRE planet(And are 80 years old), You know "Nodda" about the great world that iz waiting for you....:)*
///Reading some of your post made me think...And I in a heartbeat would give up Guitar playing in a sec. for her.
*Then, in essence, she is getting "short-changed", because she is not really getting "You"....She's getting a compromised version.....NOT GOOD !!!*
///You know people should know that fittaling your twanger is not as fun as CHERRY PIE.
*Actually, it is....(splitting hairs)...Point is : You can have BOTH !!! No brainer :D*
///Women do come and go and your guitar may always be there for you ...but women only come and go cuz men are assholes.
*Yes, we ARE assholes !!! What IS your point ? :D...Time for you to reach between your legs, my man and take control of your life and stop worrying so much...Sounds like you're drifting from thinkin' with your little head and some kind of 7th grade un-requetted (sic) love.....Think cave man....See a girl and treat her as a lady, but above all, treat her as a person....If you don't like or are compatable with that PERSON, ditch her and keep lookin'....AND ABOVE THAT, Don't be analysing yourself so much.....A MAN will always make mistakes, but learns and moves on !!!! AND ABOVE THAT, Send me all your money :)....AND ABOVE THAT, pick up your guitar and PHUCKIN' BLAST !!!! V :D

[Steveman112]

Well I'll think of some of what you said as good advice...
but I like to be as big as a caveman and not act like one.
Oh yeah I'm not vain ...I am more the type to dis myself...
but I said that on my post cuz I do hear it all the time but
when any interaction goes on it is no longer the same.
Oh yeah I'm not a MANSLUT so a womenslut just is not my type.
And finaly I do think of her as a person...but also sometimes more than that.
Steveman112 Birth date 9/12/81


P.S. I would pay you for the advice but I work at PIZZA HUT ... and have a whole latta bills to pay...you know how it is...maybe someday...when it is time to get a real job I'll
have the money!

[LEEtheV]

They'll be peace when you are done :D