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Guitarlove9090
06-30-2003, 04:45 PM
These are some lyrics my freind and I wrote and I wanted to see how you liked them. The song is called Modify keep in mind we don't have the whole thing this is just what we have come up with so far.

Modify

Faintly gasping for a chance
to take away a broken past
Problems
kept in soon arrived
then roughly snap from
compressed hurt inside
elevator to my veins
Stopped
with memories of tired pains
a toxic blood buried within
seeps from heart to skin
Ignorant
to an unvoiced death
thoughts leak
from head to breath
Steady
internal warfare
consists with judgments given without care
beneath the mirror I surrender
to a feeling I canít remember
If
I could just alter their view
Iíd turn my life in for a new
Break
away and don't turn back
these thoughtd peirce like a sharpend tack
I can't modifiy a life I didn't choose
realize every word you speak leaves a bruise
Faintly gasping for a chance
to take away a broken past

Incidents Happen
06-30-2003, 06:05 PM
I would call them "New Poetry", because they aren't really in song form, the way you presented them to us, with words like "If" taking up a whole line.

There's too much rhyming, every first line rhymes with every single 2nd line, and same thing with your 3rd and 4th lines. Nearly all beginning writers seem to write like this, and it gets annoying after a while- What that shows to the audience when it's never-ending rhyming, is that you are good with a dictionary.

Those are my two cents.