Is this Good?

[Oratorium]

I'm gonna rip off 'I'm a Newb' on this one. These are lyrics to a recently written hardcore song. All mine!

(hardcore vocals)
Push the knife deep into my chest.
The blood is as warm as a summer day.
I loved you, but there is no reason for this.
Our love is shattered by your excuses.
Once loved you,
Now I think of you everyday.
You are my inspiration.
The inspiration of every creation.
God looked unto you for the mold of female.

(Emo-like)
Dreaming of you makes me sane.
I've written a thousand letters,
All of them were to you.
You've killed my heart again.
Thank you for all the pain.

(hardcore)
Pain, and suffering.
All caused by you.
I'd cover my body with your initials,
Just to feel you close to me once again.
Now I'm scarred, and I still love you.
Come back to me.
Come back to me.

Any suggestions?

[Josh Redstone]

Sounds like Slipknot on steroids.:) I guess those are good hardcore lyrics, but I dont really listen to hardcore, so, I cant really offer a good opinion.
It could rhyme a bit more, I suppose.

[Oratorium]

Lol, I hate Slipknot so I don't know how to take that.

Most hardcore doesn't rhyme, that's what I love about it. When I write, I just write what comes to my mind. All my lyrics are written without a rhyme scheme.

[Josh Redstone]

Yeah, I'm not a Sliknot fan either.
Anyway if its not supposed to rhyme I guess your lyrics are pretty good, but I'm not a hordcore fan, so seek other opinions as well.

[aiwass]

Semi-slipknot, yeah. It's ok, but think about the rhythm of the words. As if it were a poem.

[N4Player]

Oratorium,

Just a suggestion - change:
(hardcore vocals)
Push the knife deep into my chest.
The blood is as warm as a summer day.
to:
Push the knife deep into your chest
Your blood darkens a sunny day

sounds more hardcore...killing the girl instead of yourself. The "Come back to me" at the end will sorta fit like the guy is trying to take back what he did.

[Oratorium]

Good suggestion.

The 'Push the knife deep into my heart, The blood is as warm as a warm summer day..' part is actually somethign I said one time. I said 'Love is like a knife in the heart and a warm summer day combined..' So, My friend said I should write a song about it.

Most hardcore nowadays is about love, or loneliness. I wrote this after a breakup..

[Oratorium]

whoops...


*shrugs*

[canuck7]

that's some really cool stuff. it sounds like a really cool song. go for it. the lyrics are pretty powerful, i like the part where you say "thank you for all the pain". that part's really cool.
keep it up.

[Oratorium]

Thanks man. :-)