The similarities/differences btwn playing the guitar and sex

[kingdavid]

Sometime all sorts of things go through my mind.Why would a normal guy think of something like this?Dunno.
Anyhow,if you have a healthy sense of humour,you should be able to post here,without watching your back momma/wifey doesn't catch you.On the one hand.And without posting something playboy wouldn't publish.On the other hand.Have a go at it!And have fun(hopefully).
Here's my comparisons:
1;I dont know about the rest of the world,but here in Kenya,tuning a girl is talking to a girl with the intention of having sex.Not regular speech,trying to get her to sing your tune,so to speak.We all know what tuning a guitar is.
2;Fingering your guitar is playing it with your fingers,picking out individual strings,as opposed to playing chords.In sex,:D :D :D
3;When you start playing,you're polite,maybe slow,the guitar hanging down.But at some point X,you're crashing it into your chest.Events follow a similar pattern when it comes to sex.
4;If you're playing standing,at some point when you're so into it,you tend to arch your back forward over the guitar.And when having sex,standing,at that point, :D :D :D

[PonyOne]

Thanks, dave... I think I'm going to go and burn my guitar now...

[educatedfilm]

dave...i dont even know where to start... why? why did you think of this? i dont think you can really draw parallel between a very prmitive biological function and something as biutiful and liberated and musical expression....

I'm getting worried about what you do to your guitar to have linked the two in the first place... lol

I think I too will burn my giutar... or at least get some disinfectant to it...

[lalimacefolle]

I hurt my back trying some positions,
and my Les Paul used to give me Back aches...

[friskynibbles]

'a very primitive biological function' - man, i just pictured slugs goin at it.
*barf*
the way i do, is more of an art...
like playing guitar :D
-Daniel

[Christoph]

Yet another brilliant thread . . .

[PonyOne]

I was gonna say... ask my fiance, it's an art in its own.

Sometimes right after sex I plug in my SG and that's when I do some of my best work, but I wash my hands first. And put on some pants.

The only way my guitar surpasses my woman is that

a)it doesn't complain
b)it never sounds like a yuppie or gets that "high & mighty" tone when you get on politics
c)only costs about $75/year to maintain (strings, polish, etc)
d)never asks me to go and buy pads just to make me feel awkward and laugh at me
e)never tells my friends that she calls me "cuddleface" and that I collect Beanie Babies or other secrets that scar my masculinity

GODDAM I HATE THAT LAST ONE
RRRR I HAVE AN IMAGE TO UPHOLD, Y'KNOW?
and yes, I have a few beanie babies in the back window of that fire-breathing saab i go on about in that other thread. They're just so damned cute.

[Raskolnikov]

My basses and guitars are allways there no matter what.

There are all kinds of comparisons that can be drawn, but that there is the critical difference. Music saves, and sex comes and goes... Or in my case, mostly goes.

[James8831]

seen an old Zeppelin video (b+W) where they are doin "How Many More Times" .. this explains the usual correlation.

On a more personal note my guitar ONLY moans or screams or gets attention when i want her to, unlike a woman. :D

[educatedfilm]

friskynibbles: yeah that the idea :D...
Ponyone: Never ask!!!! EVER!!!!! ThEY can always pull out the old "i was faking it" routine, in the next arguement, and it's pretty humilaiting. SO DONT ASK!!!

[Lordathestrings]

Wankers: (derogatory name) -people who play long, loud, self-indulgent solos that make them feel good, instead of making the audience feel good. Hence the masturbatory reference.

And these bozos have the utter tastelessness to indulge themseves in public! :eek:

[friskynibbles]

she's never complained before ;)
she does whine sometimes though hehehehehehe
-Daniel *the tungfu master*

[chris mood]

I like to play guitar while I'm having sex.........or is it vice versa? hmmm.

[James8831]

...cunning linguists (Daniel, et moi,etc..)

Pussy flavoured ice cream *mmmmmmmmmmmm*

Can't you just see the ads ..

"New Vagina flavo(u)r" :D

[lalimacefolle]

Now this thread is going downhill... GOd help me...

[PonyOne]

Ugh.... now that's the one thing i WON'T do.... uhhh....

I wasn't aware that this thread was ever going up.

[Raskolnikov]

There hasn't been any midget p orn posted yet...
We're still well above pro-rock.com.

Interesting that my computer has randomly been playing some Frank Zappa as I read this thread. Surely some of you remember the whole PMRC debacle in the mid 80s and his involvement.

[Lordathestrings]

PMRC?

[Raskolnikov]

Parents Music Resource Council.

Basicly, they're a collection of rich senator's wives (Tipper Gore co-founding it) and are largely responsible for the "Parental Advisory" labels we see today. They were looking for more though. Frank Zappa, John Denver, and Dee Snyder (Twisted Sister) were the only three artists to testify against them in congress. Zappa wrote his album "Frank Zappa Meets the Mothers of Prevention" about this experience.

[chris mood]

Tipper Gore....wanted to post ratings on album covers similiar to movies.
Theres some hilarious audio of Tipper Gore reading Frank Zappa lyrics while Frank was on the stand taking a defense!

[Raskolnikov]

http://uweb.superlink.net/~jdandrea/shrg99-529/toc.html

If you're looking for a long and educational read, click on that. Both Zappa and Denver's testemonies were really interesting. Dee Snyder's mostly reflects how blindly the PMRC was flailing at music they considered to be innapropriate.

[friskynibbles]

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ice cream hehehehehehehehe
there's nothing i'd rather do than eat a nice warm ... y'know, steak baby, that's where it's at :D
-Daniel

[Lordathestrings]

Thanks for the link. I had forgotten about all that hoopla about 'subliminal messages' and 'backmasking'. And I can now understand why there was so much interest in keeping the Clinton presidency alive. Clinton's removal would have put Gore in the Oval Office!

[kingdavid]

I'll never stop saying this:I love this forum
Chris,glad you like this thread.A lot of stuff to do with guitar is usually depressing.So posting something on the lighter side of life,I think,is not a bad thing.
I can't click back to check who was asking,but whoever was asking why I'd think about something like this,I already told you,dunno.It just went through my mind,and it occured to me there are guys here who could contribute,and see,I was right!
Icecream!Yummy!:D
Hurt backs-so my 'athleticism' wont fade away anytime soon,huh?Coool!I'm looking forward to the future.
keep posting!

[Edited by kingdavid on 02-16-2002 at 06:16 AM]

[i.s.marshall]

sorry guys but what a sad bunch tou all are. sex and guitars do not go together. unless you or your girl like to masturbate with one. the only thing i can say is you stroke one and you make love to the other. if you dont know which one to make love to. then post me a thread and i will come around and show your good lady what you have been doing wrong. as a point of interest i am sure that all the ladies know which is best. so i suggest that you all stick to one thing guys music . so rock on guys or is that c*ck on there is nothing similar one is great if you need to know which one go buy a banjo. by the way beanie babies at least get yourself a blow up doll,

[Edited by i.s.marshall on 02-16-2002 at 01:03 PM]

[Lordathestrings]

Some guys just have no sense of humour :rolleyes:

[kingdavid]

Originally posted by Lordathestrings
Some guys just have no sense of humour :rolleyes:
Absolutely!
Who said sex and guitar go together anyway?You know they dont,thats why its funny comparing them!!Ever seen in pubs those comparisons btwn women and beer?That means women compare to booze,huh!?When someone cracks a joke and says your momma is so wrinkled,she screws her hat on,does that mean it's true?Don't be ridiculous!
And speaking of using your guitar to musturbate;the soundhole(the only hole)on my acoustic is about 10cm in diameter.And metal strings run over it.How would you use that to masturbate?
You(the guy who posted b4 lordathestrings)probably have more sorry than the rest of us combined.

[Edited by kingdavid on 02-18-2002 at 02:55 AM]

[James8831]

A Woman is a unique individual - A guitar is made in a factory. Lighten up i.s.


:)

[hotbeefinjection]

For me... My best playing and my best sexual performances are similar because they come about through a similar mental "zone". That zone is key. In the same way that you could blindly hit notes on a guitar, you could blindly poke at a womans loins. And you all should know the difference between an intricate soulfull solo, and a bunch of random notes, in the same way as you know (or should know) the difference between a random, drunken one nighter and the passionate lovemaking that occurs between you and your soulmate. if you dont know.... you ought to find out.

as for masturbating with your guitar... hmm... sounds promising given the right mood, and maybe some sexy lighting.

[friskynibbles]

i wonder if my goo might ruin the finish...
-Daniel

[Lordathestrings]

Originally posted by friskynibbles
i wonder if my goo might ruin the finish...
-Daniel 'nothing like what educatedfilm has offered to do with Raskolnikov's 5-string bass! :p

[Raskolnikov]

Originally posted by Lordathestrings
Originally posted by friskynibbles
i wonder if my goo might ruin the finish...
-Daniel 'nothing like what educatedfilm has offered to do with Raskolnikov's 5-string bass! :p

Oh my... considering this thread and the threat, there are SO many angles that I could work this one with...
1). Ed doesn't really know it's a trap...
2). Maybe I like that kind of thing...
3). Just wait till I buy a 12 string bass!

And the more I think about it, the closer I come from getting myself banned. Sick minds rule.

[educatedfilm]

hehehe... i take it that amused you lord?... ooooh, a 12 string... seriously though, how are 12 string basses strung? are they simply 6 string bases with each string doubled?... or it is (this is what my friend told me) a four string where each string has been trippled? cos if it's the second how the hell are you suppoused to pick it up for a start? and wont it warp before you'r very eyes? or does it like have a metal "I -beam" to keep it straight?
sorry, just the mind boggles... I appologes for my odd behavour lately, I'm bored, and i've still not had any word from the universities (those Dastardly devils)... they're keeping me in suspence and i cant take it damn it...

[Raskolnikov]

Twelve string basses are indeed played (basicly) like a four string. I have yet to mess around with one, so I can't say how easy they are to play.

Also, double truss rods are fairly common with a lot of six and up string basses (Bill D ickens plays a nine string Conklin... disgusting, huh?).