Jokes

[EPISODER]

Here you can tell jokes and earn rep points (if people like them)

If this is iligal please tell me!!!
;)

[Scotttaylor72]

Hmmm... does that mean we get negative rep points for bad jokes? Some guidelines should be set pretty quickly before the jokes get out of hand.

Example: I think a lot of jokes are absolutely tear inducing, but others may wrench.

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, you've already told her twice.

[aschleman]

Though I completely dislike Paul Mooney as a comedian since 99% of his jokes are racist toward whites... not just making fun of whites for dancing and such... but literally racist. Anyway, he was on Letterman last night and I watched him just because I couldn't sleep and he had one joke that was actually funny...... but still obviously racist and stereotypical towards whites......... here it is anyway:

A white suburban family was throwing a birthday party for their son Tommy. When Tommy was asked what kind of cake he wanted he said "chocolate". So his mother prepared a chocolate cake for him... After he had blown out the candles and had his first piece of cake he had chocolate cake all over his face and he looked up and said to his mother "Look mom, I'm black!"... his mother smacked him and said "Never say that again in this house, now go tell your father what you just said."... Tommy went to his father and told him "Look dad, I'm Black!"... Tommy's father smacked him and said "Never let me hear you say that again in this house. Now go tell you Grandfather what you just said." Tommy went to his grandfather and said "Look Grandpa, I'm black!"... His Grandpa smacked him and said "Don't you ever say anything like that again. Now go see your mother." Tommy went back to his mother and she asked him "Now Tommy, what have you learned from this?" Tommy replied, "I learned that I've been black for 5 minutes and I already hate white people."

[DAMAGED ONE]

A woman with a low cut dress sits down at the bar and the bar tender tells her a joke an her boob pops out. the bar tender licks it off and puts it back in her dress after a while the bar tender tells her another joke and her boob pops out again. this time some other guy grabs her boob licks it off and she smacks the crap out of him! "Why did you do that? You let the bar tender do it!" And she said. "He has a liquor license you don't". :eek:

[DAMAGED ONE]

If your Americian when you go in the restroom and your Americian when you come out what are you while you are in there? Europein UR A PEE AN.... :D

[ericthecableguy]

An MP joke...

...We find your american beer is like making love in a canoe
...It's f***ing close to water

[Kevin Taylor]

What do you call a blonde girl standing on her head?

A brunette with bad breath.

[bigbuda]

Two blondes, one standing on one side of the river and the other blonde is on the other side of the river. One blonde shouts to the other, "How do I get to the other side?" The other blonde shouts back "You are on the other side!"

[earthman buck]

Why was 13 afraid of 14?

>Because 14-15-16!<

That's right, I make up my own jokes.

[aschleman]

a motor home with a flat tire is just a home...

i think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of sharades.... especially if your teammates are bad guessers.

i heard this lady say "i like kids"... which is cool... it's like saying "i like people... but only for a little while."

you can say "i love kids" as a general statement... that's fine. it's when you get specific is when you get into trouble...... "i love 12 year olds"

every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal...

it's funny how "finger puppet" sounds fine as a noun...

i just got some new pajamas with pockets on them... which is great... because before when i slept i had to hold things.

i think batteries are the most dramatic of all objects... because most things stop working... but batteries die. "why aren't you listening to your ipod?".... "i can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning."

when you're a battery... you're either working or your dead... that's a s*** life.

i want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces... and when you finish it, it says "go outside"


Those are some jokes from one of my favorite comedians Demetri Martin... check him out, a lot of his stuff is funnier when he does it, obviously.

[hunter60]

A guy walks into a psychatrists office with a duck on his head. The doctor says 'How can I help you'?

The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my a**'?

Not the greatest joke but all the good ones I know are not nearly clean enough to post anywhere.... :D

[ren]

One that just made me laugh from GWB at a press conference:

"A year ago my approval rating was in the 30s, my nominee for the Supreme Court had just withdrawn, and my vice-president had shot someone....

....Ah, those were the good ol' days,"

:D

[DAMAGED ONE]

A guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants and the bartender go's Hey,Do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants. And the guys say's Yeah and it's Drivin me Nut's.

[Andrew Sa]

oooh, I know some bad jokes:

Why does snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
For Drizzle.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Having your arms torn off.

What has two legs and bleeds a whole lot?
half a dog

What is funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby wearing a clown costume

and one for Aschleman, and almost no one else.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a lion?
Mod Elephant, Mod Lion sin theta

and how about when you cross an Elephant with a mountain climber?
you cant, cos the mountain climber is a scalar.

[Scotttaylor72]

Not the greatest joke but all the good ones I know are not nearly clean enough to post anywhere.... :D

Right there with ya. I have about 100 jokes but all of them are guaranteed to offend at least 30% of the readers.

[elklandercc]

Right there with ya. I have about 100 jokes but all of them are guaranteed to offend at least 30% of the readers.
I'll take whatever you got, I love stereostype jokes, whether it be racist or sexist and whatnot.

[DAMAGED ONE]

Here you can tell jokes and earn rep points (if people like them)

If this is iligal please tell me!!!
;)Come on people ante up on the points these are classic

[PRSplaya]

I'll take whatever you got, I love stereostype jokes, whether it be racist or sexist and whatnot.
Same here, but GT does have rules that have to be followed. :rolleyes:

[elklandercc]

Same here, but GT does have rules that have to be followed. :rolleyes:
Look at you talking like your some sort of modorator :p . (I pm-ed him one of my personal favs.)

[iiholly]

I'm down with the sexist jokes. That was a joke.

Actually I'm just joking.

I can't think of any good jokes right now, but I don't want to make this a weak post.

I'm so hip I barely have legs. Take that.

[dvenetian]

Q: How will Bill Clinton be remembered?
A: The President after Bush.

Q: What is forty feet long and has 8 teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson Concert.

[Scotttaylor72]

What's 10 foot long and smells like urine?

A senior citizen conga line :D

[DAMAGED ONE]

What's 10 foot long and smells like urine?

A senior citizen conga line :DHaHaHa Nasty :eek:

[da_ardvark]

City slicker was out in the country for a week of duck hunting. It was cold and raining all week and to make matters worse, the city slicker had seen nary a duck. Then on the last day of hunting, a lone duck came into view. He shot and the duck fell from the sky, bounced off a farmer's barn roof, and came to rest in the farmers yard. Undaunted the city slicker climbed over the fence, and just as he was about t6he pick up the duck, he heard the farmer clearing his throat.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" asked the farmer. The city slicker explained that after a week of hunting he finally bagged this duck, to which the farmer replied "My yard, my duck!". The city slicker argued his point until finally the farmer said, "OK, we'll settle this country fashion!"

The city slicker asked "What's this country fashion?"

The farmer replied, "That's where I kick you in your groin as hard as I can, then you kick me in the groin as hard as you can. We keep this up until someone gives up both the game and the duck!"

The city slicker thought long and hard about this painful game, and after weighing this against his unsucessful hunting trip finally agreed.

The farmer said, "OK I go first" He kick hard and squarely into the city slicker's groin dropping him instantly. The city slicker writhed in pain for nearly 1/2 hour. Finally the city slicker struggled to his feet. He looked the farmer in the eye, and said "OK, now it's MY TURN!!!"

The farmer said, "Ahhh you can have the duck"

[elklandercc]

I wonder what came first, South PArk's verion of that (roshambo) or that joke.

[da_ardvark]

Damn........ I never knew there was an actual trem for this :eek:

I saw Buddy Hackett tell this years and years ago on the Tonight Show (Back when Carson still Hosted)

Damn it was funny seeing him do it live. Sitting there telling Carson. I thought Carson was gonna piss himself laughing

[Scotttaylor72]

yeah, that joke is old... and damn funny.

how bout this classic:

What's the hardest thing about eating a vegetable?

Getting her back in her wheelchair.


**lemme know if I need to edit this one**

[PRSplaya]

How do they make Budweiser?

they send it to school<------

[MAVERIC777]

How about the one where a farmer dicided his rooster is getting old so he decided to bring in a young rooster for the hens. The young rooster walked up to the old rooster and said "look here old timer these hens are mine now so you need to just stay away from the hen house." Well the old rooster told him there where plenty of hens for the two of them and they could work something out. The young rooster wouldent hear it and demanded the hens was his. Well the old rooster decided to make a wager with young rooster. He said " I'll race you for the hens. The first one around the farmers house and back would be the winner and could have all the hens." Well the young rooster loved the idea and accepted. The young rooster being all cocky even agreed to give the old rooster a head start. Well the old rooster took off and was nearing the farm house when the young rooster finaly took off. The young rooster was gaining quick on the old timer. By the time they got at the back of the house the young rooster nearly had the old rooster cought. Well the farmer was sitting on the back poarch in his rocking chair when he seen the old rooster coming around the house in a dead sprint. Then he noticed the young ruster comming up behind the old rooster. In an instant the farmer swung aroung. Grabed his shotgun and shot and killed the young rooster dead in his tracks. The farmer sat back down and said out loud " i'll be damnded ..... thats the third gay rooster this month!"

[hunter60]

How about the one where a farmer dicided his rooster is getting old so he decided to bring in a young rooster for the hens. The young rooster walked up to the old rooster and said "look here old timer these hens are mine now so you need to just stay away from the hen house." Well the old rooster told him there where plenty of hens for the two of them and they could work something out. The young rooster wouldent hear it and demanded the hens was his. Well the old rooster decided to make a wager with young rooster. He said " I'll race you for the hens. The first one around the farmers house and back would be the winner and could have all the hens." Well the young rooster loved the idea and accepted. The young rooster being all cocky even agreed to give the old rooster a head start. Well the old rooster took off and was nearing the farm house when the young rooster finaly took off. The young rooster was gaining quick on the old timer. By the time they got at the back of the house the young rooster nearly had the old rooster cought. Well the farmer was sitting on the back poarch in his rocking chair when he seen the old rooster coming around the house in a dead sprint. Then he noticed the young ruster comming up behind the old rooster. In an instant the farmer swung aroung. Grabed his shotgun and shot and killed the young rooster dead in his tracks. The farmer sat back down and said out loud " i'll be damnded ..... thats the third gay rooster this month!"

Hehehe...love it. It's like I always say, youth and cockiness is no match for age and treachery. Let that be a lesson to you youngsters.... :D

[earthman buck]

Hehehe...love it. It's like I always say, youth and cockiness is no match for age and treachery. Let that be a lesson to you youngsters.... :D
That's the third gay comment this month.

[elklandercc]

That was a good one maverick.

[hunter60]

That's the third gay comment this month.


It is? Not sure I understand. Please 'splain.

[earthman buck]

It is? Not sure I understand. Please 'splain.
I was just using the punchline of Mav's joke to rib you a little. It was supposed to be funny. :)

[iiholly]

Roosters can't talk dumb face. :mad:

[PRSplaya]

I was just using the punchline of Mav's joke to rib you a little. It was supposed to be funny. :)
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/PRSplaya/thisisfunny.jpg

;)

[hunter60]

I was just using the punchline of Mav's joke to rib you a little. It was supposed to be funny. :)


Oops. Missed that one. Sorry. :o

[MAVERIC777]

Roosters can't talk dumb face. :mad:

Uhhh huhhh ... I seen Charlets Web ... all the animals talked on it. They are just really good at not letting people know about it. Its all just another goverment conspirecy.

[hunter60]

Uhhh huhhh ... I seen Charlets Web ... all the animals talked on it. They are just really good at not letting people know about it. Its all just another goverment conspirecy.

I think it's the animals behind the conspiracy. They can talk, they just choose not to say anything around us, their savage captors. One day, when the cats and dogs can figure out how to work the can openers, we're all doomed. Rumor has it that the cats have been working strenously on the 'Opposable Thumb Project' or the OTP as it's known.

God help us all if they are successful.

[Andrew Sa]

I think animals can talk, but chose not to, so as to stop people expecting anything from them...

thats what I would have done, had I not spoken before I really thought about it :p

[EPISODER]

Why was 13 afraid of 14?

>Because 14-15-16!<

That's right, I make up my own jokes.

You made the font color white. it's like hidden text. Just Highlight it to see it.

(edit, I get it now... sry) :o (I feel stupid)

[dvenetian]

Q:What now famous statement did Elmer Fudd say when he joined the Marines?
A: Shhh, Be Ver-we Ver-we Quite, We-ar Huntin I-Wacki's.

[DAMAGED ONE]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/PRSplaya/thisisfunny.jpg

;)ROTFLMAO,,,,,, I love it.

[DAMAGED ONE]

ROTFLMAO,,,,,, I love it.I say listen here son the big ones I say the big ones go right over your head! (Foghorn leg horn)

[da_ardvark]

The Coast Guard found they had too many officers and chief petty officers and
decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer
who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured
in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer and the chief got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be
measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was
measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter
and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands
to his toes. He walked out with $96 ,000.

The third one was a non commissioned officer, a crusty old
Chief who, when asked where he would like to be
measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was
suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about

the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But
the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer
arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The
medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where
are your testicles?"

The old Chief calmly replied, " Vietnam ."