Most Tragic News Ever

[magicninja]

My little Fox passed away this morning. SIDS I suppose, at least that thats the doctors are saying. I'm absolutely devasted. I can barely think of the words to type, so forgive me but I'm just gonna empty my mind. Life......death...the corralation between the two. How can something so innocent just be ripped from this world? I don't understand it and I probably never will. All I've been hearing all morning is about God and his will. I don't believe in God and I never will. This just reinforces that belief. So if it wasn't God who took him then why? Why my little boy? That is a question I will live with all of my life. Right now I'm going through all the regrets and hindsight. I shoulda did this I coulda did that. Even though I know there was pretty much nothing I could do I can't help but blame myself. I feel like such a failure as a father and a human being. What now? The next few months and years are gonna be the toughest of my life. If I can get through them I'll be alright. Don't ever take life for granted. It's not garaunteed that you'll be here when the sun comes up tomorrow. You may never see it coming. I hope sometime I will gain some kind of knowledge and experience from this but I don't see how that is possible. I guess what I have learned is life can change in an instant. One flick of the switch. I can't really say how this will affect me in the end. Right now I can't feel or I don't want too. I don't wanna accept it but I'm gonna have too. I got a huge amount of soul searching to do. I thought about performing "Tears in Heaven" at his services but I know I wouldn't make it through the first few words. I don't know what to do.

[Kevin Taylor]

That's really sad news dude.
I honestly don't know what to say.

[elklandercc]

I'm really really sorry to hear about your loss. I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I don't. You shouldn't be hard on yourself, I don't have one doubt in my mind that his weeks of life were full of happiness that you were able to provide. Once again, I'm sorry to hear about Fox and hope you get through this with ease.

[magicninja]

I hope you and anyone never has to know how I feel. I'm so afraid of the future. I don't want it to affect me in such a negative way that I distance myself from evryone and everything I love. My wife and my son especially. My wife is.....I can't even discribe it. I don't think there is words to explain our emotional state.

[Tonja_Renee]

I am deeply sorry for your loss... I too don't know what to say.

[Akira]

Ninja, that is so unbelievably shocking, I really don't know what to say. I'm really sorry for your loss, if for any reason you want to chat, you know where I am.

Send my condolences to your wife. Be strong Marcos.

[RonF]

I am so sorry for your loss.

[PRSplaya]

Marcos, I'm so sorry to hear about this great loss you and your family are having to go through! I know how hard it is to loose a parent, but I couldn't imagine it being the other way around. All I can say is stay strong for your family. You all need to be there for each other through this. I know it will be hard, but just know tht you were, and still are a great father and husband! Whether you believe in God or not, you and your family are in my prayers! Be strong my friend, and feel free to contact me if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm here for you brother.

[magicninja]

Thanks everyone. I really needed your support. Without all of you and my family here I would just cave in.

[jiujitsu_jesus]

Marcos... I think that anything I could say right now would just be pathetic... but never forget that you don't have to be on your own in this. Be with your family, be with your friends, be with a counsellor, be with anybody - there are so many people who will feel your pain and be there for you if you reach out to them. And we're here, as well.

Hold on, my friend. It's so cruel that Fox died when you only had such a short time together, but the fact that you loved him, and that he loved you, will live on with you for the rest of your life. I will pray for you and for your family.

Be strong.

[silentmusic]

Magic my friend I honestly have no words to describe how sad I am for you and your family :( All i can say is that I and all of your friends here at GT are here for you.. this is such a sad moment.. I hope that u and your family with the help of God can get through this sad sad time.. and im here for you too bud.

[PonyOne]

oh my ****ing god...

i can't believe that...

i don't think there's really much that i can say that would be anything less than patronizing in this situation. i really, really can't believe it at all... that's absolutely horrible.

i don't think you're a bad father, in fact i'm sure you are very, very far from it; we know how much you love your kids man, there's nothing you or your wife would have done to put him in danger and we know there's nothing you wouldn't have done to keep him healthy. don't let it weigh on your conscience, marcos... because there's probably nothing you could've done.

stay close to your family and those you love right now. i think i speak for all of us when i say that if there's anything at all that any of us can do, you can just let us know.

[magicninja]

It's so horribly cliche but I never thought something like this would happen to us. You hear about things like this all the time but you just say "Ahh poor saps I'm glad that'll never happen to me." I can't say that anymore. I hate that my son just became a statistic. His life will mean something far greater than I realize right now but someday I'll know exactly why my little Fox came and went so quick. It seems like only yesterday I was all excited to post his picture in here for you guys and now he's gone. The pain runs deep.

[PonyOne]

No man, there's nothing cliche about that... no one figures they'll be the one, especially when it's something negative, moreso when it's massively negative. And he isn't a statistic, he's Fox Jiron, he's your son; you'll always have that, no matter what.

[drf46]

I am so sorry for your loss Marcos.

[magicninja]

I'm glad I have a place like this to turn to for support. This is one of the reasons I devote a chunk of my time to this site. Thank you all. I don't know what I'd be doing right now if I didn't have this forum to turn to.

[strat-man]

Deepest sympathy Marcos to you and your family

Kind regards
Craig

[ericthecableguy]

Thats unbelievable. I'm so sorry.

[Lordathestrings]

Aw, Marcos... I just don't know what to say. I have watched my parents bury one of their sons, so I have some small understanding of your pain. A parent should never have to deal with the death of a child. I'm so sorry.

[rockonn91]

****, man. thats horrible. There really isnt anything anyone can say that will make it better or right, but hang in there, Marcos. You are a great guy and a great father. Its obvious to all of us, and we havn't even met you in person.

Ponyone said this and its so true.
he isn't a statistic, he's Fox Jiron, he's your son; you'll always have that, no matter what.

We love you man. Take care of yourself and your family. This isn't something anyone should have to go through, ever.

[Jolly McJollyson]

Marcos. My God, I wish I were a smarter, more eloquent man. Maybe then I could find the right words to say. I can only imagine the emptiness you feel inside right now; it's a void nothing can ever fill. Fox was your son, and he was a beautiful child. You loved him like any good father would, and a parent's love is the greatest thing anyone can ever have or give. Don't forget your other child in this unhappy time. He, now more than ever, will need that wonderful gift that only you can give. Try your best to be strong for your wife and son, though I know it will be hard.

Most importantly, please remember that you are not a failure. You loved your son, and, to you, your children are the most important thing in the world. That attitude is the mark of a great father and a good man. I don't need to say "don't ever forget your son, Fox," because a father like you will always keep the memory of his loved ones.

[pure]

You love Fox. Your family loves Fox. We love Fox. And Fox loves you. I think dead or alive, thats all that really matters.

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

wow. I really don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. But I am deeply sorry for your loss. But you cannot blame this on yourself! it's not your fault, and it was very obvious to us that you are a great father. Stay strong for your family, and remember we're here for you.

[oracleguy]

Marcos, I don' know you, but that's no matter. Just reading about your loss I feel such a terrible sadness for you. I think the best advise i've read from other posters is to stay close to those who love and care about you. Surround yourself with good friends and family.

My little sister is battling cancer right now. Like you, I don't know why this aweful this has happend. But happen it has. Yet one thing and one thing alone is helpling me to cope in her illness, and that IS my faith in Christ.

Have I been mad at God? oh ya, big time. Have shouted and sreamed : WHY!!! ? Have doubted his power, his mercy, and supposed luv for me? A hunderd times over.

And I've also had to appolgize, because he has come through for me and my sis. She may still die and maybe soon -- I don't know.

But mercy has been show to me Marcos, the dread and fear are gone. Am I cavalier about this? No, no I'm not. Do I still question? For sure, but more than that, a stillness can be found, and an amazing grace pays me visits when I truly need it the most.

You know, almost without exception every great man or woman in the Bible has railed against and hated God for a time -- often many times. But in each and every case, his grace, peace, mercy and yes unfailing love ultimalty proved more than sufficient for those in agony.

I do not believe that God slew your boy. Not for a moment. But one fact I would take a bullet for is this: Christ does care. But being in so much pain right now I know it sounds like total crap.

But please, when the anger subsides, and fog of confusion lifts. The "why" will begin to fade in the future. But the hurt reamins. And that is the time to make that leap of faith, and grab onto the hand that can and will mend the deepest hurts. This is the experience of millions and millions Moarcos and with all hope I can muster, I pray it will become your reality as well.

Again, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Randy

[Old School]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

As difficult as this is for you, and there is no doubt that this could only be the most trying time in any person's life, it must be more difficult for your child's mother. There are any number of real and deep emotions hitting her. She needs support more now than at any other time in her life, even if she denies it, fights it, refuses it. She must have someone to lean on that can carry her emotional state, and with the resolve to save her, the tables will be turned and she will save you as well.

You need each other more now than ever, otherwise the hurt already manifested through the death of your young loved one will turn cancerous. Friends and family will comfort you as best as they can, but when they leave at night, when the dishes are done and put away, the only one you will be left with who can truly understand your pain, but has to deal with her own in the course of things... is standing right in front of you.

Be strong only when called upon to be so.

[mike&theblues]

Like alot of other people here, I really don't know what I could possibly say to comfort you or your family at the moment.
The one thing I know having browsed these boards for the last year or so is how proud and how good a father you are.
Stay strong and remember people are here for you.

[magicninja]

I slept for awhile. I feel rested but the pain can get through easier now. I was just numb earlier when I was tired. I hadn't slept all night. I still can't believe it. I can't help but know that the next week is gonna change me forever. I just don't want it to be for the worse. I liked who I was. I miss him so much.

[GuitarPsy]

Words have little meaning here, I'm so sorry for your loss. You have my deepest sympathy.

[jeffhx]

oh my god marcos...what the hell...this is effing bull****..u dun deserve this man..i too dont know what to say..its just too sudden..im real sorry man...this if effed up...god im really sorry...

[CW14]

I was completely shocked when I started reading this post. I can't really type in words how sorry I am for what's happened.
Whatever you do though man, don't lay it on yourself.

[Akira]

I slept for awhile. I feel rested but the pain can get through easier now. I was just numb earlier when I was tired. I hadn't slept all night. I still can't believe it. I can't help but know that the next week is gonna change me forever. I just don't want it to be for the worse. I liked who I was. I miss him so much.

Sleep is good, make sure you don't skip the sleep too much.

The coming week will be challanging yes, but you'll pull through, you and your wife, just stay strong.

[Andrew Sa]

this is horrible, I'm really sorry Marcos, I cant imagine what you are going through...I wont even attempt to explain or describe anything...just know that my love and support are with you now, and always, and everything positive in me, I send to you.

[Cryptic Excretions]

It's a sick world we live in. I couldn't even begin to relate so all I can offer is my condolences. The lot of you deserve better.

[magicninja]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate everyone's comments and sympathy. I'm probably gonna build him a little memorial website. When I do I'll post up the link so you guys can visit if you want. I've been researching child loss support websites and even joined a few. Being with people who have gone through the same thing and sharing our experiences will probably help.

This will always be my favorite pic.

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c375/magicninja_/Foxsad.jpg

[acapella]

Everything that can be said at this point has been said already. Just know this has affected me more deeply than I ever would have thought. I truly am very sorry for you and your family.

[earthman buck]

I'm really, really sorry, Marcos. When I read that first sentence, it felt like I'd been punched in the gut. Just hang in there. You ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

[magicninja]

I got to talk to Pony on the phone and I must say he is every bit the great person he is on these boards. I just wanted to thank him for listening to the ramblings of a poor, shattered, heartbroken man. Thanks Tristan you really did lift my spirits.

[PonyOne]

Wow, thanks man... don't worry dude, they aren't ramblings, you know, we all have bad stuff happen and none of us should have to go it alone if we don't have to; any feeling you have about the situation is there for a reason. Glad I could help even to a small degree, Marcos... call any time.

[jeffhx]

its times like these i wish i was over there...comin over and having a beer with u buddy...just to make things a little better on ur end...

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

I got to talk to Pony on the phone and I must say he is every bit the great person he is on these boards. I just wanted to thank him for listening to the ramblings of a poor, shattered, heartbroken man. Thanks Tristan you really did lift my spirits.
I see I'm officially not the only person that Tristan has helped. he really is a great dude.

[magicninja]

its times like these i wish i was over there...comin over and having a beer with u buddy...just to make things a little better on ur end...
I don't drink but I'd let you get smashed silly and perform feats of magic for my amusment. :)

[lyricchic]

I'm so sorry Marcos... Just don't blame yourself, and remind yourself he's in a better place. Try to be strong for your family.

[equator]

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved son . My sympathies for you and your family.
I apologize for my poor English, but I just wanted to say that I really mourn the loss of your precious child.
Marcos, be strong for your wife and the rest of your family.
Sincerely, your friend equator

[HDJ]

Dude, that's the worst news I've heard in a long time. I'm really sorry about your loss. I can type this or that, but there's just nothing I can say that really expresses how sorry I am. Keep your head up and don't blame yourself. My thoughts are with you and your wife.....

[Akira]

Marcos, the passing of your son instantly brought back memories of a bunch of stuff that happened with me and my mum some years ago, repressed memories sort of thing.

Anyway, I spent a few hours writing this song in memory of my past bad times, and partly in dedication to you, your wife, and Fox, and to anyone else out there who has had similar misfortunes in the past.

I'm going to post it here as it is very personal to me and I feel it belongs here instead of in the listening post (sorry mods, but just this once, surely you can understand).

The lead guitar was improvised, and the rest was ad libbed at various points along the way, I hope you can find something from it Marcos, and I also hope this doesn't seem too intrusive, that isn't my aim.

Anyway: A Better Place (http://www.soundclick.com/bands/pagemusic.cfm?bandID=253063)

[magicninja]

That was beautiful man. Fox woulda loved it. He woulda stared around looking for where the wonderful sounds were coming from. He loved music his favorite was Vai. Even when he was fussy I could throw on some Vai and put him in his little baby swing and he'd stay there and just listen. Thanks Sean. :)

[Akira]

That was beautiful man. Fox woulda loved it. He woulda stared around looking for where the wonderful sounds were coming from. He loved music his favorite was Vai. Even when he was fussy I could throw on some Vai and put him in his little baby swing and he'd stay there and just listen. Thanks Sean. :)

Thanks. :)

He's probably rocking out to some Vai right this minute. :cool:

I'm gonna upload the song again, but with a better mix, made some slight changes and it sounds better now (thanks PRSplaya!).

[bigbuda]

Marcos man, I'm sorry for your loss. I truely don't know what to say.

[z0s0_jp]

I am so sorry for your loss Marcos...you are such a good guy....I know a couple here who lost there little one 3 years ago, and they have gotten through it with love and support from friends..... I send you much love brother.

[DISCIPLEofMETAL]

this is the first thread i ever read that actully made me cry. your soo right about life changing in an instant man, i just lost a nephew that i was really close to a couple of days a go so i can sorta relate with you. it seems theres this empty feeling inside that cant be filled. i played "wish you where here" at his funeral and i just started crying at the end, because when i looked up, everyone else was crying. this little boy had touched so many people insuch a short time that it made me look at life in a less selfish way. theres no answer to why things like this happens, ive tried searching for one, but i just realize that it was some kind of fate. i hope you find peice of mind ninja, thanks for making me feel less alone on this.

be strong

[magicninja]

As long as you're a part of the GT community you're never alone in anything.

[DAMAGED ONE]

Man???????????? Im heart broken for you and your family, But try to stay strong for your wife. She needs you now more than ever. I have never lost a child so I really dont know how you feel deep inside. But I do know it will surface at some point and it needs to get out. Just try to keep control of it.
My son Jackson was born 15weeks early and spent 6 months in the hospital he had brain bleeds and now a trach to breath but he is getting better and so will you. I hope you all soon find a peace because life must go on. Lots of love my Brother....

[Jon Broderick]

Marcos, I am so sorry to hear this news.

Please lean on us as much as you want. We can help.

[magicninja]

Thanks Jon. Everyone here has been great. One of the reasons I devote my time to this place.

[markc2005]

im so sorry for you

[jeffhx]

As long as you're a part of the GT community you're never alone in anything.

amen to that... we're all rootin for each other...i feel real priviledged

[R. Shackleferd]

Sorry to dig this out, but I'm just now coming across it after being out of town for the weekend. What can one really say? The thread is aptly titled, "Most tragic news ever". I'll only try to offer my condolences. You'll have to find your own way out of your grief, but I know everyone here will help you along the way.
Now I'm not religous, but I do feel that death is only another part of the journey. When I look out my window I see the stars and infinite space. I look out my other window, and see trees...yet I know beyond those trees there is the horizon, and then the stars and infinity still. Thus, being surrounded we are truly in the center of the universe all the time; there is no true here or there. The same is true for time. I see being alive as merely our awareness focused into bodies and minds on a particular point, while the spirit is in eternity, in that it is both intangible and timeless. Your son is gone, but his spirit remains.

[jeffhx]

hmm...in my opinion...thers only the brain..the mind is formed from the brain..and thats it...i dun think there is any spiritual entity that inhabits us..or i might be wrong...im a bit ambivalent abt this...ive been thru some creepy expriences before...but still...it is because of the capabilities of our brain to function as a whole, we think too much, basically...but that is how i feel..whatever i had experienced before could be just...my imagination... just my 2 cents though...

[acapella]

I'm not a mod, but this is not the place for a debate. Let's not start one.

[jeffhx]

definitely nmot just sounding my opinion..ive already stated my condolences..and thers nth else to say...its just my opinion and thats it...hope u guys dont take it the wrong way..:)

its unintentional and i apologise for it sincerely...dont mean anything bad.. :)

[Kevin Taylor]

Guys... please take any petty bickering to a private conversation and don't continue it in this thread. This is an extremely sad situation and deserves more respect.

[redspecial]

i just heard it, im so sorry man... :(
theres a lil' angel in sky protect our souls...

[magicninja]

It's hitting me hard today for some reason. It's the most I've cried in a week. I just miss him so much. I want him back. :(

[acapella]

*lots of hugs*

[earthman buck]

It's hitting me hard today for some reason. It's the most I've cried in a week. I just miss him so much. I want him back. :(
Aw, man.

*GT hug*

[magicninja]

Thanks guys.

[PRSplaya]

I'm so sorry to hear you're in such pain Marcos! I wish there was more that I could do for you, but know I'm here for you if you ever need me brother! Take care man!

[rockonn91]

its a horrible thing to go though man, and it shouldnt have happened- it shouldnt happen to anyone. 'specially an awesome man like you.

we love you and little fox; dont think we've forgotten. you know we're here for you.

[magicninja]

I know a little pain and crying is better for me than holding it all in but still you know? I think about him constantly. Every few minutes. It's not always sad and most times I'll smile as I remember his sweet little face or his piercing lamb-like cry but once in a while the pain is too much and I have to just break down and sob. Thanks for being here guys. This thread will be revived from time to time. Mostly on the worst days I have. His birthday and other important dates. I suppose these few days were particularly difficult because of it being Father's Day and all.

[PonyOne]

I can only imagine how hard it is. There've been a few times it's hit me really hard that someone close is gone for good; a few times I've been driving and I've just had to pull over, or that I just need to walk and be alone for awhile to just be able to cry. I've known people who won't let themselves cry over situations like this, and that's a bad thing... your emotions are there for a reason, and if you feel like you need to let them out then you need to.

Of course, we're all here when you need us.

[ericthecableguy]

Man, you've been doing so well and were all so proud of you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything but, If you're ever having a bad day you know where I am...Hope I don't sound patronising (sp?)
We're all rooting for you. :)

[Akira]

Hold strong Marcos.

[magicninja]

You know i will. Thanks everyone.

[magicninja]

Got to thinking about my little guy alot again this morning. :( Mostly because of a post i ran into in that My betsy is worth thread. These days i barely feel like the last year even happened. My wife being pregnant and him being here. It almost seems like a surreal dream or something. I've had horrendous nightmares which i don't even wanna go into detail about. I still haven't had a good dream with him in it though and it's somewhat troubling. Maybe I'm just hoping for too much in that respect. I find myself starting to worry about my older son alot even though I told myself I wouldn't. It's a horrible paranoia to have in the first place much less after a tragedy as this. My thoughts revert to where is my son? What is he doing? Is he ok? if he's not with us for more than an hour. It's quite bothersome and it's not how I want to live for the next 50 years. I'll work it out one way or another. Talking about it is a good start I suppose. I'm gonna have to if my poor son and any future children are going to be allowed a proper childhood.

[Dr_simon]

Can't dwell on the negatives mate, that way madness lies !

keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, keep on the sunny side of life .... etc etc !

[magicninja]

Truer words never spoken Doc. If only it were that easy. :(

[Dr_simon]

Chin up mate, just like the good times, the bad times will pass (and heal).

Although it is sometimes by degrees, time heals all things and if nothing else, the pain get less as more time passes !

It is often cold comfort but also true.

[magicninja]

Your very right Doc and I can feel how far i've come since that day. The fear of reliving that pain is a constant, biting, barb lodged right in the back of my head and it won't go away. I need to get rid of it for my 4-year olds sake. I want him to be able to go to sleepovers and whatnot without me and my fear of losing him being in the way. I had a feeling this was gonna happen but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like i said in the very early posts in this thread. i didn't want my son's death to change me for the worse. Dammit, what am i to do?

[Lordathestrings]

You're looking at how your feelings are likely to affect those around you, instead of doing some kind of 'poor me' self-centered pity trip. That is so positive and healthy!

You can see what needs to be done. Maybe you need to spend some time with a counsellor who can help you focus. No one could expect to be able to handle a loss like yours without support. Maybe both you and your wife could contact a support group. Your pain is very personal, but its not unique. There are others walking the same path that can help you find a way.

[Tonja_Renee]

Marcos,

I think you just have to let yourself grieve the way you need to. I can't even imagine what you have gone through or are going through. I have lost a parent and I know the process of grieving takes time. It took quite awhile for me to not fear that I would lose other people close to me, and I feel that it would take longer for a child - as we tend to be protective of our children anyway.

I don't think that your fear for your older son is making you a worse person. It hasn't been that long since Fox's death, and you can't hurry up that process of dealing with what happened.

You seem to me that you are very aware how you have changed, and in time, you will let go of those fears. But it does take time. Stop beating yourself up for being human.

From what I know of you, I have seen a good person and definately a good parent. So I think you are doing what you need to do. You just can't hurry that process up...

[magicninja]

I've never took much stock in counciling or other such psychotherepy. Seems I can come to you guys and get just as good if not better advice for a far cheaper fee. I know the odds of what happened to Fox were hundreds of thousands to one. I know the odds of something happening to my 4 year old are also remote. It's just not enough for some reason. Maybe with time and the realization that everything will be ok will help me get over this hurdle. I greatly appreciate all of your help. More than you guys will ever know. Thanks.

[Lordathestrings]

I was thinking in terms of some support group composed of people dealing with the loss of a child. There are a bunch online, and there might be one based close enough to where you live that you could get some one-on-one face time with others who know more about what you're going through than we ever could.

We're here for you. I worry that I'm a bit out of my depth here, is all.

[magicninja]

I understand that part of it. I have done that, it was one of the first things i did. Unfortunatly, I feel horribly out of place because it is ALL women that go there. It seems men are more apt to hold thier pain in and not discuss it. The women there were very kind and understanding but somehow I couldn't do what I'm doing here with them. One thing they did tell me to do was build a website for him. http://jupiter.afmu.com/~mrmj It really did help alot. I thank Eric for helping me with the page. I have some names to add but my idiot brother in law got my laptop a virus that made me start from the factory default. Once i get the webpage editor downloaded again I'll get to it.

[lilifield]

magicninia, i have just now seen your post. i am so upset and am crying with you and i so feel your grief and am sharing a micro of your burdon with you. i read where you said you didn't believe in God and although I do believe in him i won't try to make you believe in him so that is not where this is going. but you and I --- we're both people and if i was in your place i would want some kind of answer... some kind of hope. so what i offer you -- if it is any consolation to your soul and to your wife's soul. there were some people in bible a long time ago who were losing their young men (children) to death and nobody thought to ask WHY? this upset God and he brought it up to them and he said even though you won't ask, I will tell you why.... the young men are taken to SPARE them from the evil that is coming upon the earth. i belive that your baby was spared for whatever reason unbenounced to us... and not ripped from you as a punishment or some horrific mean thing from a God that you cannot even see. my thoughts, prayers and my love are with your family.

[Bar Chord Nick]

I just saw this thread and I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how devastating this must be. Be strong and hold your family close. In time the pain will lessen.

[PonyOne]

Spared, stolen, it doesn't really matter since he isn't here.

Marcos, the fact that you know that you shouldn't be worried about Jessie when he's away is more than a lot of people who've gone through what you've gone through can admit. My ex's late mother never lost a child, but one of her daughters was very sick when she was little, and had to be hospitalized, and though she was a very intelligent woman and a psychologist herself, she always was sheltering her, and terrified that the littlest thing could utterly ruin her life; this stoked the problems she did have as a result.

It's only natural, really; you went through a monumentally bad thing that, as you said, left a barb in the back of your mind, and so it only makes sense you're afraid. You love your children, you want to make sure that Jessie is safe and you don't want to go through the same pain again... so of course you're going to worry about him.

A counselor may not be a bad idea, and I know that there are some support groups out there for fathers who have lost children; you're right, you have a unique take on it from a mother, and so while you can definitely relate largely to a mother who's lost a child, you are definitely coming from a unique viewpoint. As men, as fathers, as husbands, we're supposed to be the frist and last line of defense when it comes to our loved ones and our society at large; from being required to register with selective services to the etho of escaping a disaster "women and children first" we are the ones who are supposed to be the protectors. When something out of our control happens to a loved one, and we're helpless to fulfill our role as protector, it puts is in a position where we feel like we failed even though we didn't. And in your case, you have an entire family who still needs your help; out of love, you're putting them before you to try to help them through, and no doubt they're trying to help you. But you need to do what's necessary to help yourself as well, because that's where it all starts.

Sorry if i stated the obvious or the untrue, but, you know. I'm the king.

[magicninja]

Nah, you're right about all that stuff. I'm sure I'll get out of this cloud of uneasiness eventually. I know it takes time.

[PonyOne]

sadly it will... there are a lot of people with you though, many of them here.

[magicninja]

I was looking through the cabinets for something to eat last night and I came across Fox's half empty can of formula. This isn't uncommon for me to do I get into that cabinet a few times everyday. I dunno why this time was different but I broke down and cried and it took me a few minutes to get myself together. I still think about him alot. For some morbid reason I replay the morning he died in my mind more often than I should. What's worse is I remember every detail. I know you guys don't know the whole story of that morning but forgive me I'm still not ready to type it out or even tell people I'm close to. After my little breakdown I went to his site and watched the video. What's great is I can remember without fail alot of the time we spent together as clearly as I remember the day he died. Like the first time I tried to kiss him and he tried to bite my lip off. I went back and searched the threads I had made before he was born. The one where we picked his middle name, the one where I told everyone I was leaving for awhile, when I put his pics up for you guys and finally this one. It was kinda of odd seeing the extremes in emotion from myself and everyone else. I wanna thank you guys for being there with me through the good and the bad.

[earthman buck]

That's why we're here, man.

It's probably not that uncommon to replay the morning of his death over and over in your head. I replay the worst moments of my life in my head repeatedly too. I think it's just human nature. Better that than forgetting him.

[acapella]

We're always here for you. Even though most (or all) of us haven't met you, we love you.

[magicninja]

I love you guys too. I guess a traumatic experience like that isn't something you ever forget.

[DAMAGED ONE]

Let him live on in your music, thats what i would do for me. :)

[Akira]

Stay strong. :)

[ericthecableguy]

Any way you deal with it Marcos...There's nothing wrong with remembering things..I don't see how it could be possible to forget something like that.

We love you :) .

[R. Shackleferd]

I may not have any kids, but I do know what you mean with the re-run syndrome of memories regarding lost loved ones and their passing. And not only that, but frequently the imagination will fire up and insert it's own additions. It's all natural, and probably quite necessary...but we can't help but feel it's a little cruel and tiring. Without trying to sound too cleche, you just have to try and avoid dwelling in regret, and appreciate what you had. Easier said than done, I know.

[magicninja]

Thanks guys. It's something I don't wanna think about. I mean who likes beating themselves up with the worst day of thier life? I know it's gonna be something I live with forever. There's no changing that. I think the best I can do is try to limit how often I think about it. Thanks again everyone.

[PonyOne]

We all deal with pain in our own ways; some people bury, or deny, the past; others leave it in the open, or embrace it. I think that you may have a similar way of dealing with it to me: I can't forget, and I often end up recounting the most painful things that have happened in lurid detail for what can be an extended period of time. What I've noticed is that, to a degree, it hurts more in the short term... in the long term, though, I tend to be over things a lot more concisely than other people who went through the same or similar situations are.

It will take time to heal, of course... like you didn't know :) Have you seen a counselor or found a support group that you've been active in?

The great thing is that those memories that make you smile - those videos, those memories of him almost taking out your lip, of him smiling and looking around and the sounds he'd make and his smell and everything - will always stay with you, and will always make you smile. Everything we experience takes hold in our memories and exists in us as long as we live, and we can let those memories make our loves stronger, and can still take us to amazing places. I'm thankful for having known all the people who left life early; not thankful that they died when they did, no... I wish that they were still here, but I can't justify wishing too hard when I know it won't bring anything to fruition. But I smile automatically when I think of my friend Mike and I riding BMX's in the backwoods, and going out to dinner with my friend Star and talking about Boston punk bands and the ups and downs of romance, or watching Ian rock out onstage ridiculously with his band, Marty The Weasel and Ian's Band. I won't ever have those things with them again in my future, but I cherish the point in the space time continum where we were all together, and that I always have a link to it inside me, that they'll always be a part of my reality.

Keep plugging away, man.

How are your wife and Jessie doing?

[magicninja]

I have a support group I joined but I haven't really been active there at all. I guess I'd rather just talk about it here. It's more comfortable for me I guess. I almost feel like you guys knew Fox.

My wife seems to be really angry. I can't say I blame her. I can't be angry however because I really don't know who to be angry at. I guess I could be angry with the reality of life but that doesn't get anyone anywhere.

Jesse talks about his brother quite often. He knows he's gone and won't be coming back. He was starting to learn to write when his little brother was still around and he had asked us how to spell Fox's name. Every once in awhile I'll find a piece of paper he's been writing on and he'll have spelled Fox out. I know he misses him alot and my wife says he asks her if she has another baby in her stomach. He was really looking forward to being a big brother. He remember's Fox and that is all I can really ask of him.

[PonyOne]

My wife seems to be really angry. I can't say I blame her. I can't be angry however because I really don't know who to be angry at. I guess I could be angry with the reality of life but that doesn't get anyone anywhere.
I guess that makes sense. I'd be pissed as much as crushed, probably, at least at first. The fact that there's nothing and no one really to blame probably makes it worse. At least with all the people I've known who've died, where was something, or someone that was a catalyst or a huge component of what killed them; waking up and finding them gone, inexplicably, would probably be harder, it gives you less to rationalize with.

I hope that in time, her anger subsides; anger is a hard thing to live with, but like all emotions, it's there for a reason, and I guess that it's only right to be angry for awhile, sometimes.

Jesse talks about his brother quite often. He knows he's gone and won't be coming back. He was starting to learn to write when his little brother was still around and he had asked us how to spell Fox's name. Every once in awhile I'll find a piece of paper he's been writing on and he'll have spelled Fox out. I know he misses him alot and my wife says he asks her if she has another baby in her stomach. He was really looking forward to being a big brother. He remember's Fox and that is all I can really ask of him.
That's sweet :) It's too bad that as adults, we can't be so innocently naive and hopeful about things... I don't think he'll ever forget his brother. Children tend to remember primarily the big things that happen in their childhood vrsus their daily routines, or the more linear and monotonous things; I'm sure that, like you, he remembers all the wonderment of seeing him the first time, and the excitement and fascination and love of seeing his new baby brother. The fact that he writes his name, and that he wanted to know how, to me shows that he wants to hold onto that love and that memory, and that it's a huge part of his life... and most likely will always be.

He'll always have the knowledge that he had a brother; though it'll hurt to know that he's no longer here, if he can also find that link to him via his own cherished memories, then he can draw off that love and become an even greater man someday.

[magicninja]

http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c375/magicninja_/lilFoxsad.jpg

Merry Christmas son. I'll never be able to express how much I wish you were here.

[hunter60]

Breaks my heart. Wish there was some way to ease the pain. My heart goes out to you and yours this season.

[PonyOne]

:( I was thinking about this the other day... I wish you and your family all the best this Christmas, Marcos.

[Jolly McJollyson]

I'll never be able to express how much I wish you were here.
He is there.

[magicninja]

Thanks guys. I guess it'll always be tough around the holidays.

[silentmusic]

Thanks guys. I guess it'll always be tough around the holidays.
My thoughts are with you and your family my friend :)

[Andrew Sa]

Thanks guys. I guess it'll always be tough around the holidays.

Marcos, I hope it was a good holliday and everything passed relatively simply and easily.

I dont mean to steal the thread at all, but I know what you mean about the hollidays being hard.

Most of you know that my dad was shot late last year, and passed away a few days later, well obviously a year has passed and it has eased considerably, but strangely, christmas still is tough...this year and last, we managed to just start dinner on Christmas eve before my mom, and then the rest of us just broke down, but after that, the holliday was a happy one...like we just needed that little release and then we could get on with our lives.

All the positivity I posses is with you now Marcos

[magicninja]

I know exactly what you mean. I needed my own teary moment before the heaviness subsided a little. So far it has been fun. My four year old has kept us busy all morning. My sympathies are with you as well Andrew. Also thanks Billy, I hope you are well my friend.

[R. Shackleferd]

Despite Jolly's considerable command of the English language, he couldn't have said it better. Our thoughts are with you.

[PRSplaya]

Christmas is always a hard one for me, because my mom died two days before Christmas back in '98. It's always tough, but she left us with enough good memories to get us by. You and your family are always in my prayers Marcos. Take care brother!

[magicninja]

Thanks eric. I couldn't imagine losing someone around a major Holiday especially Christmas.

[GuitarPsy]

can't imagine something like that either, I've lost both grandparents around my birthday, haven't celebrated my birthday anymore since then, but it doesn't matter, you aren't obliged to celebrate if you don't feel like celebrating, just be with the ones you love, holidays can't get any better then that

hopefully you had a wonderful Christmas magicninja, my thoughts go out to you guys who have suffered such a tremendous loss, I hope you can still enjoy these holidays

Regards,
Roel

[Akira]

Just take care of yourself man.

He's around. :)

[raf66]

As a father, I can't imagine your loss. As a Christian I could pass along all the platitudes that are commonly said at a time like this. But I know those words ring somewhat hollow during such a devastating time. I can tell you that you and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[stephenlyrical]

I can't begin to comprehend what you must be going through even now. I am sorry for your loss.

stephen

[magicninja]

So we're pregnant again. I'm a little scared I guess but I know I'll be alright. I've haven't been thinking as much as I usually do which is better for me. I need to rest my mind more often. Ugh pregnant woman in the house for 8 months. Sorry ladies but some of you know what I mean. I'll be vigilant though.

[Lordathestrings]

Be well, man. Life must go on.

[PonyOne]

Congratulations, man! I know it's probably pretty scary for you, but, the world needs more parents who love their kids as much as you guys do.

[jeffhx]

good on ya buddy! everything will be fine...

[magicninja]

Thanks guys! We're really happy. The only thing I'm scared about is like I mentioned before with my older son I think we are both gonna be very over protective of the new baby. I know it's gonna happen I can already see it. I only hope to contain it so all our family and friends can enjoy a bundle of joy that is a new baby without me being on thier shoulder watching every move they make. Plus sleep, oh man I don't know how I'm gonna be able to sleep. I'm goona wanna keep my eye on the little person every minute of everyday. I just hoipe I can contain it. If I'm not sleeping and well rested it isn't gonna help the child to have a father who is wiped out all the time. I'll figure something out. I hate worrying.

[GuitarPsy]

don't we all? A big congratulations, this is great news! I'm sure you'll be fine, now that you're aware of the possibility that you'll be overprotective, you can change it if you think you need to.

[grizzlymint]

Just read this thread a bit...wow. You've been through a lot. Congrats on the new baby coming, and I'm sure everything will be fine. :)

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

Hey! that's amazing news! congratulations!

[ren]

Congratulations man... I'm sure the worry will subside as time passes... Happy news - here's to you and yours.... :)

[Scotttaylor72]

Congrats!! That's great news.

[magicninja]

Thanks Everyone! The missus will be hard to tolerate for awhile but I know how she gets so I'm ahead of the game. Just agree with everything and do as your asked for 8 months. Seems easy enough. :eek:

[Tonja_Renee]

Congratulations!!

And yes I am fully aware of the whole "pregnant woman" syndrome lol Absolutely no offense taken... :D

[PRSplaya]

Atleast you don't have to deal with PMS & PWS at the same time. Talk about a scary thought :eek:

[Tonja_Renee]

Atleast you don't have to deal with PMS & PWS at the same time. Talk about a scary thought :eek:


Haha Honey... you haven't dealt with PWS yet... its like PMS magnified by a few and constant for nine months. :eek: :p Its a real treat. lol

[PRSplaya]

what I'm saying is... at least the PMS isn't there to make it even worse than it already is... PWS might be like PMSx10, but PWS+PMS would be like the instantaneous spawning of one of Satan's own demons from the depths of hell :eek:

[elklandercc]

Congrats man, I'm happy to see you guys are moving on.

[earthman buck]

Congratulations to the both of you, Marcos! I wish you the very best.

[Bar Chord Nick]

Congrats to you and your wife. Don't worry about being over protective. You will loosen up over time. It will be Awesome.....You'll see.

[Jolly McJollyson]

Thanks guys! We're really happy. The only thing I'm scared about is like I mentioned before with my older son I think we are both gonna be very over protective of the new baby. I know it's gonna happen I can already see it. I only hope to contain it so all our family and friends can enjoy a bundle of joy that is a new baby without me being on thier shoulder watching every move they make. Plus sleep, oh man I don't know how I'm gonna be able to sleep. I'm goona wanna keep my eye on the little person every minute of everyday. I just hoipe I can contain it. If I'm not sleeping and well rested it isn't gonna help the child to have a father who is wiped out all the time. I'll figure something out. I hate worrying.
You are a hell of a father, Marcos. The fact that you realize this overprotectiveness might be a problem makes you a caring, concerned parent who concerns himself not only with his child's behavior, but with his own as well. Like any good father, you've shown us that your worries are selfless; I admire you for that.

[strat-man]

You are a hell of a father, Marcos. The fact that you realize this overprotectiveness might be a problem makes you a caring, concerned parent who concerns himself not only with his child's behavior, but with his own as well. Like any good father, you've shown us that your worries are selfless; I admire you for that.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Exactly what jolly said, plus, congrats to you and your wife Marcos, i'm really pleased for ya, god bless ya both :)

[ericthecableguy]

Alright bud. My congratulations.

[BluesHound9]

That's awesome news man, Congratulations!!!

[R. Shackleferd]

Congrats indeed! So 9 months puts it about late August or Sept eh?

[magicninja]

You are a hell of a father, Marcos. The fact that you realize this overprotectiveness might be a problem makes you a caring, concerned parent who concerns himself not only with his child's behavior, but with his own as well. Like any good father, you've shown us that your worries are selfless; I admire you for that.
Well thanks Jolly and everyone else as well. I know how influential parents are. I don't want my faults to become thier problems.

[magicninja]

Congrats indeed! So 9 months puts it about late August or Sept eh?
Yeah somewgere in there. She's yet to go to her first Dr/ appointment. This is a fairly new development so to speak. :)

[acapella]

Congratulations! Aug/Sep? Who knows, maybe we can split a birthday!

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

Congrats indeed! So 9 months puts it about late August or Sept eh?
that'd be crazy if we had the same birthday...

[Akira]

Wait wait...

...you mean it takes 9 months for a baby to come out? ...from inside a woman?

...you mean storks don't just randomly turn up with a baby and burden you with it?!

...

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/03/Evilmonkey.jpg







Congratulations Marcos! :D

[HDJ]

Congrats Marcos. I just checked back in on this thread, saw there were new post. Anyway, hope everything goes smooth....

[magicninja]

Thanks gents. If only it were that is Akira!

[jiujitsu_jesus]

Only just saw the new post - congratulations, Marcos! :)

[magicninja]

Happy Birthday Fox. I love you son.

[strat-man]

Happy birthday Fox, may he live on in your memories Marcos :)

[magicninja]

You know it buddy. :)

[dvenetian]

Nothing in life can prepare you for such a tragic loss. I don't know what I would do if I had to face such a reality. Life is so fragile and so many take it for granted. You and your family have my deepest sympathy.
Please contact me if there's something I can help with in your time of need.
Peace.

[Andrew Sa]

I dont know whether it's appropriate to say congratulations on Fox's birthday Marcos, but certainly congratulations on the strength you've maintained through all of this...admirable.

It must be tough for you and your family at this time, so let it be known that my thoughts are with you guys.

[ren]

happy birthday fox... and keep keepin' on Marcos... thinking of you buddy...

[acapella]

Happy birthday Fox. We all love you.

[ravenx495]

I just joined a few days ago, and now I'm just...speechless...I almost cried reading this...I changed my signature just for your son, and I'd do anything I could to help you out...even though I'm only a teenager...i wish i had read this yesterday to wish your son a happy birthday, so here is a belated message for Fox:

Fox, happy birthday. We will cherish you in our memories...

[magicninja]

Can't believe it's already been a year. Time makes fools of us all I guess.

[Jolly McJollyson]

Can't believe it's already been a year. Time makes fools of us all I guess.
I'm proud of you, Marcos. You're a good father.

[magicninja]

Thanks Jolly. :) It's odd, some days it doesn't seem that long ago and some times it feels like an age. Today, it just really doesn't feel that long ago.

[jeffhx]

yea dude time does fly i can't belive it myself...you're doing a great job as a father buddy...we're always here for ya!

[earthman buck]

It really is hard to believe a year has gone by.

*hug*

[PRSplaya]

Can't believe it's already been a year. Time makes fools of us all I guess.
Time really does make fools of us, but apart from love, it is the greatest gift we have to give... our time. You gave both to your son, and still give both to the rest of your family... That's what being a man, husband, and father is all about ;)

[elklandercc]

You've been stronger than any of us could ever be and I idolize you for that.

[strat-man]

Can't believe it's already been a year. Time makes fools of us all I guess.

It certainly does Marcos, and i know it sounds cliche but it is also a great healer, your pain will lessen but your memories will live on :) you've been incredibly strong and i'm thinkin bout you and your family at this time, stay strong buddy :)

[hunter60]

I never know quite what to say regarding this as everything I can think of just seems trite in light of what you and yours have dealt with. Perhaps the only thing I can say is my heart goes out to you and your family.

[magicninja]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all the support you all have givin me through all this. It's nice to have a place I can empty my head every once and a while. I love you guys for it. :)

[DAMAGED ONE]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all the support you all have givin me through all this. It's nice to have a place I can empty my head every once and a while. I love you guys for it. :)We love you too Bro! ;)

[magicninja]

He'd be two now. Seems like an eternity ago and yet there are days when the pain is still so close.

I miss you son. I wish you were here to give me grey hair baby boy.

[Superhuman]

Oh man, I'm sorry I missed this original thread Marcos and even sorrier to hear the news. I was going to type something deep but just reading back over it I deleted it, not really approproate. I know its a tough one but are you planning on having any more kids? I have four (4,3,2, 6 months) - all I cna say is they are all so different that each and every one of them makes my world a better place. Anyway, take it easy and stay strong.

[magicninja]

We have an 8 month old now. Elias Blaze. Awesome little guy. Weird thing about the whole situation is my wife and I only ever wanted two children (we also have a 6 year old). My wife was supposed to have her tubes tied after Fox. She chickened out at the last minute. Sometimes I wonder if the world knew something we didn't.

[ren]

Re-reading some of this thread has really hit me again man... your strength throughout is an inspiration.

Thinking of you and yours Marcos...

[magicninja]

Yeah everytrime I come back to this thread I have to read through it a bit. Everyone really helped me through the hardest time in my life and for that I will be eternally greatful. Reading it today really made miss the old crowd.

[hunter60]

Tragedys like this never, ever ease with time, do they? I wish I could offer something wise and meaningful but the best I can offer is that my heart goes out to you and yours.

[sixpicker]

This is the first time I read this thread Ninja. I wasn't on the GT forum as much when this happened, on the road way too much back then. I can't imagine what you've been through, or the pain you still feel after such a loss.

Be there for your family, they need you more now. We will keep all of you in our prayers, and once again our deepest condolences for the loss of your son.

JD

[jeffhx]

Yeah everytrime I come back to this thread I have to read through it a bit. Everyone really helped me through the hardest time in my life and for that I will be eternally greatful. Reading it today really made miss the old crowd.

the old crowd will always be here ninji

you know that for a fact ;) :)

[Jolly McJollyson]

Yeah everytrime I come back to this thread I have to read through it a bit. Everyone really helped me through the hardest time in my life and for that I will be eternally greatful. Reading it today really made miss the old crowd.

Where'd the old crowd go?

[magicninja]

Where'd the old crowd go?

I'm sure they're around.

[Lordathestrings]

I'm sure they're around.

Believe it!

Not all lurkers are sinister. ;)

[Dragon Fighter]

I'm so sorry for your lost Magic. I don't know how that feels yet to loose a loved one, but I have seen the results. It's a tragic time. I'll also keep you in my prayers.

[iamthe_eggman]

Where'd the old crowd go?

I don't know about "crowd" but I think I qualify as "old"

[Lordathestrings]

I don't know about "crowd" but I think I qualify as "old"
;) So, have you got a Skylark yet? heh, heh.

[Rsam16]

Where'd the old crowd go?

I remember the old crowd...

Ah, Good times.

[pure]

I never wanted to post on this thread back then cuz I probably would have said something immature.. But I'm glad things are looking better for you Marcos

[la'guit]

Dude, I really feel for ya.
Don't worry because this is just a phaze. Take a happy aproach to the curcumstances. Could you have treated it any better? Probbaly not. and also it had a good life so you know it was happy, so have no regrets. So what im saying is... instead of being sad, celabrate it's good life.... and hey, write a song.

[la'guit]

I wouldn'y say im the old crowd, but im about a year old and Im fairly old... Theres a few people around here who helped me from day 1 of starting and a few I havn't seen.

[iamthe_eggman]

;)

:cool: No Skylark yet.... actually, I haven't played the guitar in ages.... one of the reasons why you don't see me around so much these days. I do miss being a moderator and had lots of fun with it, but I think an era has passed. From the bits and pieces I've read on this site it seems like many are unhappy with the forum these days.... is that true? Too bad... when I was here this was a cool place and lots of fun. I used to come dozens of times a day to see what people posted and there was a time when I used to read every single post.... yup, the old days!

[pure]

:cool:
:( well, guess its true all good things come to an end.. as you said yourself.. you haven't been playing guitar as much as you used to.. everybody's lives must have changed somehow in the past years.. and its a shame GT happened to be the victim that felt the effects..