My first day of work

[earthman buck]

I copied and pasted this from my myspace thing. I changed a few words as to not anger the swear-filter. Sorry if I missed any.

-----------------------------------------------------

Ok, in case you haven't heard, I got a job at a turkey farm. Or....turkey barn. Today was my first day. Let me explain what your first day on the turkey farm is like.

Task #1: Wake up at quarter to 5. In the morning.

Task #2: Saunter on over to the turkey barn. Undress, and have a remarkably cold shower. Towel off. Grab some farm-ish sweatpants and the like, which are sitting on two long metal grill-racks.Put them on. Don't be frightened. Apparently they're "clean."

Task #3: Head on in to the breakroom. Punch your time card (which has your name spelled wrong on it, hope that doesn't affect the receiving of money when cheque-getting time rolls around!) in. Put on some pint-sized rubber boots and a flimsy paper breathing filter. Start to get a little worried when everyone else suits up with high-tech gas masks that would render Nazi chlorine gas attacks harmless.

Task #4: Walk 50 feet (at the most). Change into full-sized rubber boots.

Task #5: Take note of how remarkably different the odour is at a distance of only 50 feet (at the most) from where you were mere seconds ago. Grimace.

Task #6: Go into the barn part. Stand in awe of the 9000 birds making horrible noises in perfect unison.

Task #7: Ok, down to work. Grab a basket. Walk down each of the aisles with it. Collect any eggs you see in the basket. Count them as you go. At the end of the aisles, there is a huge open area. Walk zig-zaggedly all around it, looking for eggs. Count these too. Count them separately from the others.

Task #8: Get out of the turkey area. Mark down how many eggs there are in your basket. Put aside any that are cracked, punctured, too big, too small, too dirty, or are just givin' you a dirty look. Scrape off all the eggs with a knife, to "clean" them. I guess the "cleanliness" of an egg has nothing to do with yoke, blood, or excrement that may be on it. Just feathers. Feathers and straw. Quite possibly the two cleanest things in the whole interlake area.

Task #9: When there are a bunch of eggs, load 'em onto a cart. When this cart is full, wheel it out of the barn area and into the egg-cleaning station. Don't forget to change boots! For God's sake, man, mind the boots! You'll be the death of us all!

Task #10: Repeat tasks 7-9 three times. No, wait. Seventeen times.

Task #11: After a few "breaks," go out (exhaustedly) and do tasks 7-9 a few more times. No, wait. Forty-one times. Seriously consider having a stroke just to get out of it.

Task #12: Go "clean" the water things. "Clean" them with dirty water collected from the water things themselves. This makes them "clean." If at any point you encounter a dead turkey, grab it by the feet and chuck it. Duh.

Task #13: Your work day is over. You don't have to work anymore. No go clean the other barn with a dirty, poo-covered shovel, or you're fired. Make sure you change your boots at least 5 times on the way to the other barn. You don't wanna make the turkeys sick!

Task #14: Clean the other barn. Collapse in an exhausted heap on some straw. Then walk back to the other barn, changing boots the mandatory 12,000 times.

Task #15: "Don't forget to punch out!" (x 1,000)

Task #16: Shower out. Finish showering, then realize you forgot to punch out. Sh*t.

Task #17: Sneak back into the breakroom wearing a towel. Go to punch out timecard, then realize you forget to punch back in after lunch break. So the last 3 hours of work never existed, in the eyes of the employer. Sonofagoddamnbitch. Punch it out anyway, hoping to explain the mistake.

Task #18: Leave breakroom. Change into clothes. Then get told that the patron saint of turkey farming (Uncle Gerry) punched out for you. Hallelujah.

The end.

[PonyOne]

dude that sucks.

[lifeis@song]

when u wanna quit you should liberate all the animals

[Leedogg]

http://eleventwenty.typepad.com/eleventwenty/images/napoleon_bike.jpg
Do the chickens have large talons?





Sorry, had to reference some ND. Man, that sounds horrible. You should be a rock star instead.

[PonyOne]

when u wanna quit you should liberate all the animals
yeah, environmental disasters from having non-native creatures rampaging through a foreign ecosystem are awesome :D

[jeffhx]

thats crap... i can picture all of it happening... them bloody birds... :mad:

take it easy man... you'll get used to it as time goes... i think...

[Cookie monster]

Ahaha...man, that sounds horrible...

[Tonja_Renee]

It makes you want to do better in school now doesn't it....Imagine doing that for the rest of your life......lol

[stackny]

I can relate to you on the first day of work thing. Last summer on my first day of work, it was like 95 degrees and my boss was sick. They ended up sticking me with some other guy. This guy gave me a push mower and stuck me on the bitch jobs nobody wanted to do. It was so friggin hot I almost puked. I was thinking "this is gonna be a great friggin summer." Well, after that, it wasnt so bad. My boss showed up and I got to half way enjoy my job. Hang in there. The cash goin towards guitar equipment will be well worth it.

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

that sucks dude. but hey, when you get that pay check your frown will turn upside down into a bigger frown when you go "Man I worked really hard the last two weeks, and I only made THAT much?!?" you will soon find yourself hating the government because of the chunk they take straight out of your paycheck and you find that a total of 3-6 hours of pay were sent straight into george w's pocket.

welcome to the real world! it sucks.

[stackny]

that sucks dude. but hey, when you get that pay check your frown will turn upside down into a bigger frown when you go "Man I worked really hard the last two weeks, and I only made THAT much?!?" you will soon find yourself hating the government because of the chunk they take straight out of your paycheck and you find that a total of 3-6 hours of pay were sent straight into george w's pocket.

welcome to the real world! it sucks.

GWB aint yo problem. Its them damn liberals.

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

GWB aint yo problem. Its them damn liberals.
god! just take the joke! :p

[stackny]

;) god! just take the joke! :p

****please refer to the new thread revelations and rest assured this wont break into anything.

[6strngs_2hmbkrs]

;)

****please refer to the new thread revelations and rest assured this wont break into anything.
I have no idea what you mean by that. the "new thread revelations?" what are those?

[stackny]

my new thread "revelations." Its new. And a thread. In the open discussion forum. Check it out.

Sorry that did sound a wee bit confusing.

[Cryptic Excretions]

That is easily one of the best bad job stories I've ever heard. Sorry you landed a ****ty job, but the description rules. Did you change your boots on your way home too? Don't want to bring that **** into the house y'know.

[PonyOne]

That is easily one of the best bad job stories I've ever heard. Sorry you landed a ****ty job, but the description rules. Did you change your boots on your way home too? Don't want to bring that **** into the house y'know.
Agreed... man I love birds, but jeez, I'd probably want to punt the things around after a few hours of having to deal with all that BS. Or TS, as it may be... :)

[earthman buck]

Ok guys. Update.

Today was my second day. It was a pantload better. I learned two things about turkeys today:

1.) Turkeys are quite capable of inflicting pain on human beings.

It's true. When I was collecting eggs at one point, a whole crapload of them rushed me and beat on my legs with their wings. It damn near knocked me over. Then, later on, one of 'em head-butted my knee. Which brings me to the second thing I learned:

2.) All turkeys are comical in nature.

Whilst cleaning the things the turkeys drink from (aptly called "drinkers"), I actually had to laugh out loud, for I was imagining what the turkeys would be saying if they were people. I imagine the whole drinker scenario would've gone down quite differently. Something like this:

Me: *stooping over to clean the drinkers*
Turkeys: *cautiously walking over towards me* Hey! You! Hey you! Hey! Hey! Youuuuu! Hey you! Hey!
Me: *continuing to clean drinkers*
Turkeys: Hey! Hey! Youuuu! Hey you! Hey! Hey! HEEEEY!!!
Me: *making any slight movement at all*
Turkeys: Ahh! Hey! Hey! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! *run away at full speed*

Seriously, though. Turkeys are dumb.

In summary, today was pretty good. Tedious, boring work, yes. But when you factor in the humour of it all, it's pretty fun. I actually think I'll keep this job for a while.

(And by the way, 6strngs, here in Canada we don't have to give George Dubya jack. We give our money to the Prime Minister. He gives it to George Dubya for us.)

[ericthecableguy]

(And by the way, 6strngs, here in Canada we don't have to give George Dubya jack. We give our money to the Prime Minister. He gives it to George Dubya for us.)

Yep, our cash goes straight to Mr. Legohair.
I had turkey today.

[earthman buck]

Yep, our cash goes straight to Mr. Legohair.
I had turkey today.
Mr. Legohair? Ha. I refer to him as Mr. Creepy eyes.

[Andrew Sa]

I think from here on in, Legohair should be known as Mr Creepy Eyes throughout the world.

[Akira]

A few things to do that would be more rewarding and eventful than your work:

1. Spooning your own eyes out.
2. Applying a cheese grater to your face.
3. The Sun, in general.

[Cryptic Excretions]

A few things to do that would be more rewarding and eventful than your work:

1. Spooning your own eyes out.
2. Applying a cheese grater to your face.
3. The Sun, in general.
A few things to do... The sun... How do you do the sun?

[earthman buck]

A few things to do... The sun... How do you do the sun?
Veeeery carefully.

[Akira]

A few things to do... The sun... How do you do the sun?

Imagination is key.

[earthman buck]

A few things to do that would be more rewarding and eventful than your work:

1. Spooning your own eyes out.
2. Applying a cheese grater to your face.
3. The Sun, in general.
That's funny, the first two would result in me looking just like you!

:)

[Akira]

That's funny, the first two would result in me looking just like you!

:)

Ouch.

[rockonn91]

ooooooooooh.

in the words of leedogg... "SPLADOW! ALL UP IN YO' FACE!"

[Cryptic Excretions]

Ouch.
Man... someone got their ass handed to them on a silver platter.

http://www.rareads.com/scans/16522.jpg

[earthman buck]

Man... someone got their ass handed to them on a silver platter.

http://www.rareads.com/scans/16522.jpg
This gives a whole new meaning to the oft-used expression "If I ever see you around here again, your ass is Rath Ham."

[acapella]

I copied and pasted this from my myspace thing. I changed a few words as to not anger the swear-filter. Sorry if I missed any.

-----------------------------------------------------

Ok, in case you haven't heard, I got a job at a turkey farm. Or....turkey barn. Today was my first day. Let me explain what your first day on the turkey farm is like.

Task #1: Wake up at quarter to 5. In the morning.

Task #2: Saunter on over to the turkey barn. Undress, and have a remarkably cold shower. Towel off. Grab some farm-ish sweatpants and the like, which are sitting on two long metal grill-racks.Put them on. Don't be frightened. Apparently they're "clean."

Task #3: Head on in to the breakroom. Punch your time card (which has your name spelled wrong on it, hope that doesn't affect the receiving of money when cheque-getting time rolls around!) in. Put on some pint-sized rubber boots and a flimsy paper breathing filter. Start to get a little worried when everyone else suits up with high-tech gas masks that would render Nazi chlorine gas attacks harmless.

Task #4: Walk 50 feet (at the most). Change into full-sized rubber boots.

Task #5: Take note of how remarkably different the odour is at a distance of only 50 feet (at the most) from where you were mere seconds ago. Grimace.

Task #6: Go into the barn part. Stand in awe of the 9000 birds making horrible noises in perfect unison.

Task #7: Ok, down to work. Grab a basket. Walk down each of the aisles with it. Collect any eggs you see in the basket. Count them as you go. At the end of the aisles, there is a huge open area. Walk zig-zaggedly all around it, looking for eggs. Count these too. Count them separately from the others.

Task #8: Get out of the turkey area. Mark down how many eggs there are in your basket. Put aside any that are cracked, punctured, too big, too small, too dirty, or are just givin' you a dirty look. Scrape off all the eggs with a knife, to "clean" them. I guess the "cleanliness" of an egg has nothing to do with yoke, blood, or excrement that may be on it. Just feathers. Feathers and straw. Quite possibly the two cleanest things in the whole interlake area.

Task #9: When there are a bunch of eggs, load 'em onto a cart. When this cart is full, wheel it out of the barn area and into the egg-cleaning station. Don't forget to change boots! For God's sake, man, mind the boots! You'll be the death of us all!

Task #10: Repeat tasks 7-9 three times. No, wait. Seventeen times.

Task #11: After a few "breaks," go out (exhaustedly) and do tasks 7-9 a few more times. No, wait. Forty-one times. Seriously consider having a stroke just to get out of it.

Task #12: Go "clean" the water things. "Clean" them with dirty water collected from the water things themselves. This makes them "clean." If at any point you encounter a dead turkey, grab it by the feet and chuck it. Duh.

Task #13: Your work day is over. You don't have to work anymore. No go clean the other barn with a dirty, poo-covered shovel, or you're fired. Make sure you change your boots at least 5 times on the way to the other barn. You don't wanna make the turkeys sick!

Task #14: Clean the other barn. Collapse in an exhausted heap on some straw. Then walk back to the other barn, changing boots the mandatory 12,000 times.

Task #15: "Don't forget to punch out!" (x 1,000)

Task #16: Shower out. Finish showering, then realize you forgot to punch out. Sh*t.

Task #17: Sneak back into the breakroom wearing a towel. Go to punch out timecard, then realize you forget to punch back in after lunch break. So the last 3 hours of work never existed, in the eyes of the employer. Sonofagoddamnbitch. Punch it out anyway, hoping to explain the mistake.

Task #18: Leave breakroom. Change into clothes. Then get told that the patron saint of turkey farming (Uncle Gerry) punched out for you. Hallelujah.

The end.

WORK!? Where was the supposed "work" in there? Come to my or Luke's place for a few days, then we'll see what you think of your "exhausting" "work".
....city kids...

[Cryptic Excretions]

WORK!? Where was the supposed "work" in there? Come to my or Luke's place for a few days, then we'll see what you think of your "exhausting" "work".
....city kids...
In all fairness, work doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be exhausting yourself. You're just not allowed to enjoy yourself. If you do enjoy yourself then you're playing, not working.

[jiujitsu_jesus]

Wow, that's... that's some job you have there! :p I used to own thirteen chooks, and I thought taking care of them was hard! Oh well, as long as the pay's decent...

[earthman buck]

Wow, that's... that's some job you have there! :p I used to own thirteen chooks, and I thought taking care of them was hard! Oh well, as long as the pay's decent...
At first I thought that said you had thirteen cooks, which reinforced my "you're just some fat kid" theory.

So anyways, what the hell's a chook?

[jiujitsu_jesus]

At first I thought that said you had thirteen cooks, which reinforced my "you're just some fat kid" theory.

So anyways, what the hell's a chook?

LMAO! :D Oh, that would be nice... *rubs bulging stomach*

Anyway, a chook is a chicken. Sorry, Australian slang.

[magicninja]

If any of your turkeys get bird flu let us know before you croak. That's the kinda thing they won't put on the news here.