So, honestly.. what do you think??

[Pusline]

The bones of sorrow

Verse
The bones of sorrow fills the smog of fears
the trustee will never end up in tears
leaf is blowing through endless disaster,
look at me now, I am your only master.

Heaven gives above no heavenliy sky
one day the bird must learn how to fly
two will meet at the Gate one day
The innocence, and the one who pray.

Ref.
Dark is forever what darkness should be
Mindless mistakes are what we all see
I’ll give my life to make myself free
In my mind there’s no room for thee.
This is all he ever gave me;
Bones of sorrow.

Verse
Ancestors hands give lives to destruction
Feel the way though sweet seduction
Like moth to a flame, prepare do die
This is the day the Madonna cry

Ref.
Dark is forever what darkness should be
Mindless mistakes are what we all see
I’ll give my life to make myself free
In my mind there’s no room for thee.
This is all he ever gave me;
Bones of sorrow.

Bridge
Sorrow will wait at the end
Sorrow is what you can’t bend
These Bones of sorrow

Ref.
Dark is forever what darkness should be
Mindless mistakes are what we all see
I’ll give my life to make myself free
In my mind there’s no room for thee.
This is all he ever gave me;
Bones of sorrow




What do you think?? This is a song I've just finished.. It needs a little touch of finishing here and there, but give me your honest replies.. Could this lyric work?

[Jolly McJollyson]

Is this a literal translation?

Some lines, I'll post which ones later, I like, but I think that you should probably write lyrics in your first language for now. Your english isn't bad, but I don't think it's quite good enough for lyrics.

[Pusline]

Is this a literal translation?

Some lines, I'll post which ones later, I like, but I think that you should probably write lyrics in your first language for now. Your english isn't bad, but I don't think it's quite good enough for lyrics.

It's translated, yes.. I mostly write in Norwegian.. My English isn't quite good enough, but I tried to translate it.. maybe you could help me make it work??

[PRSplaya]

I think it sounds great! It has really good flow to it. Aside from a few gramatical errors, it is just fine. Especially since English isn't your first language.

[Akira]

I'm really impressed! Good lyrics! And i'm doubely impressed seeing how it is a translation from your mother tongue. Good job! :D

[Pusline]

I think it sounds great! It has really good flow to it. Aside from a few gramatical errors, it is just fine. Especially since English isn't your first language.


Thanx! Do you care to correct me on my grammatical errors?? I'm afraid grammar isn't my strongest side...

[iiholly]

I liked it... there's a few cliche phrases in there, but sometimes those can't be avoided. I think the sort of (but not that bad) translation gives it a different appeal.

[PRSplaya]

original line
-edited line

The innocence, and the one who pray.
-The innocent, and the one who prays.
-The innocent, and the one's who pray.


Feel the way though sweet seduction
Like moth to a flame, prepare do die
This is the day the Madonna cry
-Feel the way through sweet seduction
-Like a moth to a flame, prepare to die
-This is the day the Madonna cry's




I think that's about all I found. None of them were a big deal, just little common misstakes. I wouldn't recommend taking me too seriously though, because I'm not that great at spelling and grammer myself. Again, you did a very good job on these lyrics. I really enjoyed them ;)

[Pusline]

Thanx :) I'll change those phrases in my English version!

[1791]

i really liked the flow over all a good song.
if you dont mind me asking what did you mean by it
you know what were you thinking when you wrote it
:)

[moody_fa_loonie]

your lyrics are good...make a good song lol

[Hamberg]

im no lyricists but i thougth that the aabbccdd rhyme scheme was a no no in lyric writing

[x0o_BurnOut_o0x]

im no lyricists but i thougth that the aabbccdd rhyme scheme was a no no in lyric writing


This was an AWESOME song however i do agree the aabbcdd rhyme scheme is not original. And again rhymes should appear accidental, not planned out.

But this song rocked! keep on writing! :)

[Akira]

And again rhymes should appear accidental, not planned out.

Erm, not true.

[paradyme]

Hey man,

I give that respect because I can't write in any language besides English, but I am impressed that you are fluent enough to do that.

I do have one question though, I can't make sense out of why black metal and dark music in general is so popular in Scandinavia- from what I know of Norway, Finland, and Sweden, social problems are relatively under control, disparity of wealth is nowhere near what it is in this dump I call home (USA) and when I have travelled, I've found that people in Europe and especially northern Europe are generally nicer than here in the States. I'm not saying there aren't problems there, but for the most part, if I were thinking of a place I would want to live, Scandinavia or Holland come to mind, so it's just curiousity as to why the darkest of dark music is so popular there.

peace

[crazywolf]

im no lyricists but i thougth that the aabbccdd rhyme scheme was a no no in lyric writing

There aren't any real "rules" to writing poetry (lyrics), or music. They are more like guidelines. It all just depends on what you are feeling, the tone, and the message being conveyed. The reason that I prefere guidelines is because rules can/are meant to be broken. Writing is just expressing yourself, theres no wrong or right way to do that, just "guidelines" that can help you out. Some times rhyming, in a way, stiffels what can be written or expressed, which is why some people don't like it; but it all depends on your personal style or taste. I personally don't stick to any one writing style. I write without rhymes, free verse (no set rhyme or rhythem pattern), aabb, abab, abcb, ect. The hardest rhyme pattern I have done is aabb while rhyming internally. So its more like aAaAbBbB where a and b are in the middle of the line, and A and B are at the end of the line.

[koRn_freAk]

jaa, bra tekst ;)